Alrighty then. We aren't sure if today is Feb 26 or Feb 27. We are confused on several planes and could care less because are on vacation. Tomorrow we arrive in Dalian, China and really know very little about the city even though we sat through a forty-five minute "lecture" about the city today. The woman that gave the lecture talked about herself, cruise line policy, and then finally why she wouldn't answer question during the "lecture". She talked about everything but Dalian. I'd talk about Dalian here but I know jack squat about the place.
On cruise ships, eight passengers are grouped together at the same dinner table for the entire voyage unless you take a Norwegian Cruise Line "Freestyle" cruise, and you are grouped together as the dude at the door sees fit. I would have called the door dude a Maitre' d, but I can't spell Maitre' d. "Freestyle" cruising means women can wear their "sweatsuits" to dinner along with their husbands dressed in their "#3 Earnhardt is gone but not forgotten" dress, commemorative t-shirts. We took a "Freestyle" cruise from Charleston, SC a few years ago on The Redneck Riviera, and some of those ladies actually had writing on the rear of their best Sunday Go To Meeting Sweatpants that said horrible things like "sexy" or "juicy" in huge letters scrolled across their huge butts. It was horrible, and we won't "Freestyle" cruise (read Freakstyle cruise) again unless we lose our minds. I'm shivering at this very minute just thinking about the subject. Dang, where was I? Oh yeah, passengers are grouped together at dinner for the entire voyage, which in our case is 12 days. Twelve long or short days depending on several factors. At dinner last night we met our table mates. Our table seats eight people and one couple didn't show which left us with a nice couple from California and another couple I will refer to as Chatty Cathy and Mumbles (CC & M). I thought about calling this woman Yackzilla or Queen Wrong but Chatty Cathy better describes her. Mumbles is called Mumbles because Chatty Cathy hasn't allowed him to speak in twenty-four years of excruciating marriage. I would imagine twenty-four horrible years without the possibility of parole. This woman never shut her mouth for the entire dinner. A very, very long dinner. Luckily Deb got paired off with CC & M as dinner progressed, and I got to ignore CC & M and got to talk to the other couple and had a nice time. Deb took one for the team whether she wanted to or not. This morning we went to the buffet for breakfast and saw the other nice couple with whom we had breakfast. The nice couple wants to vote C C & M off the dinner island if you know what I mean. I told them we should wait until after dinner tonight and see if Mumbles speaks as he may want to vote Chatty Cathy off too. Shoot, he might be a nice guy--a deaf guy but a nice guy regardless. Stay tuned to this station for more updates.
No democrat jokes tonight which means double jokes tomorrow.
See Yall tomorrow.
Al
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Friday, February 25, 2011
Subway, Maglev, Jade Buddah --Shangai Feb 25, 2011
We spent last night on the ship. Our room is nice, yada, yada, yada. Enough about the ship and where we are. Let's get down to business.
We had an adventurous day yesterday. We rode the subway and you haven't lived until you have ridden the subway in Shanghai at rush hour no doubt. Holy guacamole. There was a gazillion people moving in a wave that would crush Southern boys if they had a chance. Geez I might have Post Traumatic Subway Syndrome or something along those lines. Somebody hug me. I know I will wake up years from now screaming in my sleep. Not from the subway but from BO and the democrats. Now, we both know I blindsided you with that democrat joke. Anyway, we figured out how the subway system worked and rode the thing all over the city. Deb and I have ridden subways in several parts of the world, so this one wasn't too tough to figure out. Yeah right. The locals gawked at me like I was the only 6'2", white, Southern boy they have ever seen. I might as well have been from Jupiter. Beep, beep. We come in peace. Take me to your leaders. Yeah right. Deb got some looks too. We were at the convention center or whatever the name of the place was, good Lord I ain't even going to attempt to spell the name of the place if I could. Whatever, the place was the convention center, now I've lost my train of thought. I remember now, Deb and I were walking around the convention center when a local came up and wanted to photograph himself with Deb, then his buddy did too. It seems blonds are a novelty here and I got a huge laugh out of the whole deal. What you might not know is Deb is a bleach blond and they thought she was a true blond. You might say she is an American blond knockoff. Now that is too funny.
We rode the Maglev train too. Great Ceasar's ghost that thing hauls butt. The Maglev is a train that runs from Shanghai Pudong Airport to downtown. It takes about 10 minutes, costs $7 each way, and goes 300 KPH. For the American readers (the Canadian readers already know), 300KPH is about 185 MPH. Lickity split. Furthermore, it rides and is propelled not by wheels but magnetism. I believe it is the only working public transient maglev train in existence. For you jackasses that like to pick apart details and might find another working maglev train in outer Mongolia or somewhere --bite me. I don't care. This particular train moves as fast as a NASCAR car moves. I kept wondering where the locals were with their Maglev t-shirts drinking beer and screaming something in Mandarin that sounded like "Earnhardt". Wheee.
Today, we went to the temple of the Jade Buddha. This temple is a destination for Buddhists I'm told. The temple was amazing. I won't bore you with the details, but there must be a few dozen Buddhas in the temple in every configuration and color. Some of the Buddhas dated back to 600AD. That would make them the same age as Larry King and Dick Clark. The craftsmanship of the statues were simply stunning. The Jade Buddha was made from one piece of Jade and was maybe 6ft tall. I will upload pictures when it doesn't cost so much to do so.
Social networking websites including this blog are blocked by the Chinese government. This blog is made possible by satellite internet links from the cruise ship.
We leave in a few hours to start the cruise.
Al
We had an adventurous day yesterday. We rode the subway and you haven't lived until you have ridden the subway in Shanghai at rush hour no doubt. Holy guacamole. There was a gazillion people moving in a wave that would crush Southern boys if they had a chance. Geez I might have Post Traumatic Subway Syndrome or something along those lines. Somebody hug me. I know I will wake up years from now screaming in my sleep. Not from the subway but from BO and the democrats. Now, we both know I blindsided you with that democrat joke. Anyway, we figured out how the subway system worked and rode the thing all over the city. Deb and I have ridden subways in several parts of the world, so this one wasn't too tough to figure out. Yeah right. The locals gawked at me like I was the only 6'2", white, Southern boy they have ever seen. I might as well have been from Jupiter. Beep, beep. We come in peace. Take me to your leaders. Yeah right. Deb got some looks too. We were at the convention center or whatever the name of the place was, good Lord I ain't even going to attempt to spell the name of the place if I could. Whatever, the place was the convention center, now I've lost my train of thought. I remember now, Deb and I were walking around the convention center when a local came up and wanted to photograph himself with Deb, then his buddy did too. It seems blonds are a novelty here and I got a huge laugh out of the whole deal. What you might not know is Deb is a bleach blond and they thought she was a true blond. You might say she is an American blond knockoff. Now that is too funny.
We rode the Maglev train too. Great Ceasar's ghost that thing hauls butt. The Maglev is a train that runs from Shanghai Pudong Airport to downtown. It takes about 10 minutes, costs $7 each way, and goes 300 KPH. For the American readers (the Canadian readers already know), 300KPH is about 185 MPH. Lickity split. Furthermore, it rides and is propelled not by wheels but magnetism. I believe it is the only working public transient maglev train in existence. For you jackasses that like to pick apart details and might find another working maglev train in outer Mongolia or somewhere --bite me. I don't care. This particular train moves as fast as a NASCAR car moves. I kept wondering where the locals were with their Maglev t-shirts drinking beer and screaming something in Mandarin that sounded like "Earnhardt". Wheee.
Today, we went to the temple of the Jade Buddha. This temple is a destination for Buddhists I'm told. The temple was amazing. I won't bore you with the details, but there must be a few dozen Buddhas in the temple in every configuration and color. Some of the Buddhas dated back to 600AD. That would make them the same age as Larry King and Dick Clark. The craftsmanship of the statues were simply stunning. The Jade Buddha was made from one piece of Jade and was maybe 6ft tall. I will upload pictures when it doesn't cost so much to do so.
Social networking websites including this blog are blocked by the Chinese government. This blog is made possible by satellite internet links from the cruise ship.
We leave in a few hours to start the cruise.
Al
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Planes and Chinese Toilet Seats Feb 22, 2011 Raleigh to Shanghai
We made it to Shanghai. It took a little effort and some blind luck but we made it. This big ole, dumb, Southern boy sticks out here like, well, a big ole dumb Southern boy in Shanghai. Shoot, everywhere we go I am the center of attraction, mainly because I am at least a foot taller than anyone else in the crowd. They must think I'm a real life Godzilla and going to squirt fire out of my mouth or something. Let's just say the spitting fire out my mouth almost happened earlier in the day.
When we arrived at the airport, this morning, we had the first of several hours of delays due to the weather in Chicago. After several hours of delay, we finally did board the aircraft for the Raleigh to Chicago leg of the trip. Deb and I were sitting in our seats as this Hip Hop Hat Boy came onboard with this huge bag and was tried to jam it into an overhead compartment a couple seats to our back. Well Hip Hop Hat Boy couldn't get bagzilla to fit in the compartment there, so he used his massive brain power and decided the jamming would be easier in the compartment above my head. Hip Hop Hat Boy then attempted to force the huge bag into that compartment up until he decided to drop it on my head. What you may or may not know is that I have a small, skull fracture from earlier in the week. No, I don't have a small skull just a small fracture which by all means should be a large fracture had it not been for a intuitive gentleman that grabbed the bag in just the nick of time. You should have seen the gentleman's face when he found out he not only saved me from a headache, but likely a brand new trip to the hospital, or should I say trip number two to the hospital. May I say thank you to that gentleman again with all of my head. Hip Hop Hat Boy needs to have his butt stomped. Idiot. Democrat. Oh my, I got the democrat joke in the second paragraph. Did you see that one coming?
We finally got to Chicago with most of my skull intact and boarded the plane to China--the slow plane to China. The Chicago to China flight was 14 hours long--very long. Geez Louise, I am glad I don't have to fly distances like that often. Modern day flying is a treat all to itself. I couldn't move but about 3 inches in each direction and the places where I used to go stand in order to get up out of the seat, are now forbidden. I guess the flight attendants don't like it or some lawyer made it impossible for us by suing some airline. Anyway, I was the sardine in seat 204a and Deb was the blond sardine in seat 204b. I will cover the blond part tomorrow.
So we finally got to Shanghai and to our hotel which was super duper nice. It was surprisingly luxurious. The rooms and public areas of the hotel were lined with marble and fine antiques. The fine antiques part was significant since we stayed on The Bund. The Bund was the western financial district in Shanghai until the second world war when the Japanese occupied it and kicked some butt. The 70's movie Empire of the Sun would be worth your time to watch to fully understand the last sentence. Anyway, the hotel had all kinds of neat electronic things that Deb ran around turning on and irritating the crap out of me. Furthermore, the room had all kinds of free stuff that Deb again ran around opening and trying. As you might already know, I am a licensed plumber-a plumber that doesn't do much plumbing anymore. It was something I did before I discovered college. The reason I mentioned my plumbing license is because I keep up with the new plumbing fixtures and appliances. Toto makes a toilet seat that is popular in Asia but hasn't caught on in the US. This hotel had one installed in the bathroom. This seat has a temperature and computer controlled water jet in the front and rear of the seat for "rear washing". It is kind of a bidet and crack washer in one. After a good crack washing and to further enhance your crack washing pleasure , you simply push another button and a tiny, built in blow dryer will blow dry and style your butt hair. I lied it won't style your hair just dry it. You have to manually comb you own butt hair. I kid you not, it squirted water and bowled dry your butt crack. It was kind of like sitting on a drinking fountain with hot air jets. This thing had a wall mounted controller with temperature settings, knobs, switches, and midgets on call. And to further enhance your toileting pleasure, the toilet seat was heated. Now I can assure you The Star Wars Toilet Seat ain't going to show up at Casa Al any time soon even though Deb said she wanted one. Nope it ain't going to happen. I can just see me asking for that monstrosity at the plumbing supply house. The gentlemen in there would have a field day laughing at me. It ain't going to happen.
I will stop for today. We board the boat tomorrow night and stay one additional day in Shanghai. See Yall tomorrow.
Al
When we arrived at the airport, this morning, we had the first of several hours of delays due to the weather in Chicago. After several hours of delay, we finally did board the aircraft for the Raleigh to Chicago leg of the trip. Deb and I were sitting in our seats as this Hip Hop Hat Boy came onboard with this huge bag and was tried to jam it into an overhead compartment a couple seats to our back. Well Hip Hop Hat Boy couldn't get bagzilla to fit in the compartment there, so he used his massive brain power and decided the jamming would be easier in the compartment above my head. Hip Hop Hat Boy then attempted to force the huge bag into that compartment up until he decided to drop it on my head. What you may or may not know is that I have a small, skull fracture from earlier in the week. No, I don't have a small skull just a small fracture which by all means should be a large fracture had it not been for a intuitive gentleman that grabbed the bag in just the nick of time. You should have seen the gentleman's face when he found out he not only saved me from a headache, but likely a brand new trip to the hospital, or should I say trip number two to the hospital. May I say thank you to that gentleman again with all of my head. Hip Hop Hat Boy needs to have his butt stomped. Idiot. Democrat. Oh my, I got the democrat joke in the second paragraph. Did you see that one coming?
We finally got to Chicago with most of my skull intact and boarded the plane to China--the slow plane to China. The Chicago to China flight was 14 hours long--very long. Geez Louise, I am glad I don't have to fly distances like that often. Modern day flying is a treat all to itself. I couldn't move but about 3 inches in each direction and the places where I used to go stand in order to get up out of the seat, are now forbidden. I guess the flight attendants don't like it or some lawyer made it impossible for us by suing some airline. Anyway, I was the sardine in seat 204a and Deb was the blond sardine in seat 204b. I will cover the blond part tomorrow.
So we finally got to Shanghai and to our hotel which was super duper nice. It was surprisingly luxurious. The rooms and public areas of the hotel were lined with marble and fine antiques. The fine antiques part was significant since we stayed on The Bund. The Bund was the western financial district in Shanghai until the second world war when the Japanese occupied it and kicked some butt. The 70's movie Empire of the Sun would be worth your time to watch to fully understand the last sentence. Anyway, the hotel had all kinds of neat electronic things that Deb ran around turning on and irritating the crap out of me. Furthermore, the room had all kinds of free stuff that Deb again ran around opening and trying. As you might already know, I am a licensed plumber-a plumber that doesn't do much plumbing anymore. It was something I did before I discovered college. The reason I mentioned my plumbing license is because I keep up with the new plumbing fixtures and appliances. Toto makes a toilet seat that is popular in Asia but hasn't caught on in the US. This hotel had one installed in the bathroom. This seat has a temperature and computer controlled water jet in the front and rear of the seat for "rear washing". It is kind of a bidet and crack washer in one. After a good crack washing and to further enhance your crack washing pleasure , you simply push another button and a tiny, built in blow dryer will blow dry and style your butt hair. I lied it won't style your hair just dry it. You have to manually comb you own butt hair. I kid you not, it squirted water and bowled dry your butt crack. It was kind of like sitting on a drinking fountain with hot air jets. This thing had a wall mounted controller with temperature settings, knobs, switches, and midgets on call. And to further enhance your toileting pleasure, the toilet seat was heated. Now I can assure you The Star Wars Toilet Seat ain't going to show up at Casa Al any time soon even though Deb said she wanted one. Nope it ain't going to happen. I can just see me asking for that monstrosity at the plumbing supply house. The gentlemen in there would have a field day laughing at me. It ain't going to happen.
I will stop for today. We board the boat tomorrow night and stay one additional day in Shanghai. See Yall tomorrow.
Al
Sunday, February 20, 2011
China, Russia, and Japan--Oh my Raleigh, NC Feb 21, 2011
Oh alright, I might as well update the blog. Ive been busy working on the this, that, and the other thing, The other thing part has kept me from getting anything done and from updating this blog. Actually, I haven't gone anywhere interesting anyway.
Guess what? We are headed for a cruise leaving from Shanghai then visiting Beijing, Vladivostok (Russia), and a couple places in Japan. We will be on the road for 2 weeks and on the water for most of it. This trip will certainly give me lots of funny stuff to write about. Keep an eye out for updates.
The adventure starts Feb 22, 2011.
I think I just lied to you. The adventure started a week ago. I went to the doctor (vet) to get the necessary immunizations that the fine folks in China wants us to have. One of the immunizations was a live vaccine for typhoid. Oh baby, here is where the adventure starts. I started the vaccine which is an oral tablet that I was supposed (note that I said supposed) to take every other day with 4 tablets taken total. Tablet number 1 gave me the worst case of the green apple trots a stupid, Southern boy can have. I sat in the bathroom adding to the democrats (little d used intentionally) national political agenda all afternoon and evening. Notice how I got my democrat joke in while discussing my bathroom habits. Dang, am I good or what? Anyway, while contributing to the democratic agenda, I didn't drink any liquids and dehydrated. I've heard of celebrities dehydrating but could never understand how that a person could dehydrate without being in the desert. Now I know how, the democrats are to blame. Well, I got up from my desk and went upstairs to bed. As I got to the bottom of the stairs I decided to pass out and fall backwards and landed on my head which might have been a good thing because I might have hurt something important had I not landed on my head. I came to when the paramedics arrived and took my sorry butt to the hospital. A CT scan and about 40 million liters of IV liquids later, I found out I had an alleged hairline crack of my skull and a tiny brain bleed. Did you notice I said liters thinking I would impress you with my knowledge of the metric system. Impressive huh? Anyway, a busted head and a brain bruise ain't nearly as horrible (or romantic if you're a vampire) as you might think but it happened. I spent a couple days being jabbed, prodded, and poked in the hospital then came home. Oh baby, head injuries cause some serious headaches. My head has hurt almost as bad this week as the week after BO got elected. Almost. I've been almost as nauseated too, but I've been nauseated really for the last two years thanks to the democrats. My head has been CT and MRI scanned, and I am happy to report that no poop was found in my head as accused of me by many people during the course of my life. I am not sure why they ever called me such a name but life is a mystery at times. I can honestly say that I have had my head examined and didn't vote for a single democrat. The idiots that elected BO need to have their heads examined too. I'll bet your bottom dollar the MRIs will show poop in their heads.
I usually travel with a dictionary of whatever language is spoken where I am going. I didn't have any luck with a Chinese dictionary. Well La De Da, Asia has different characters too. Duhh. I tried to look up words and not only couldn't say it but couldn't figure out the characters. Duhh, So, I bought an electronic dictionary that actually speaks the words and phrases along with displaying the characters. Now that thing is neat. It arrived in the mail a few days ago, and I took it out of the box and immediately started looking up nasty words. Just kidding, it was really only vulgar words however neither vulgar nor nasty were in the dictionary. I felt a little cheated because how am I supposed to describe democrats to Asians without using vulgar or nasty words? I guess I'll draw vulgar and nasty pictures instead. I'll figure it out and be a good diplomatic.
The blog is back on and stayed tuned to this station for updates. See you in a day or so.
Al
Guess what? We are headed for a cruise leaving from Shanghai then visiting Beijing, Vladivostok (Russia), and a couple places in Japan. We will be on the road for 2 weeks and on the water for most of it. This trip will certainly give me lots of funny stuff to write about. Keep an eye out for updates.
The adventure starts Feb 22, 2011.
I think I just lied to you. The adventure started a week ago. I went to the doctor (vet) to get the necessary immunizations that the fine folks in China wants us to have. One of the immunizations was a live vaccine for typhoid. Oh baby, here is where the adventure starts. I started the vaccine which is an oral tablet that I was supposed (note that I said supposed) to take every other day with 4 tablets taken total. Tablet number 1 gave me the worst case of the green apple trots a stupid, Southern boy can have. I sat in the bathroom adding to the democrats (little d used intentionally) national political agenda all afternoon and evening. Notice how I got my democrat joke in while discussing my bathroom habits. Dang, am I good or what? Anyway, while contributing to the democratic agenda, I didn't drink any liquids and dehydrated. I've heard of celebrities dehydrating but could never understand how that a person could dehydrate without being in the desert. Now I know how, the democrats are to blame. Well, I got up from my desk and went upstairs to bed. As I got to the bottom of the stairs I decided to pass out and fall backwards and landed on my head which might have been a good thing because I might have hurt something important had I not landed on my head. I came to when the paramedics arrived and took my sorry butt to the hospital. A CT scan and about 40 million liters of IV liquids later, I found out I had an alleged hairline crack of my skull and a tiny brain bleed. Did you notice I said liters thinking I would impress you with my knowledge of the metric system. Impressive huh? Anyway, a busted head and a brain bruise ain't nearly as horrible (or romantic if you're a vampire) as you might think but it happened. I spent a couple days being jabbed, prodded, and poked in the hospital then came home. Oh baby, head injuries cause some serious headaches. My head has hurt almost as bad this week as the week after BO got elected. Almost. I've been almost as nauseated too, but I've been nauseated really for the last two years thanks to the democrats. My head has been CT and MRI scanned, and I am happy to report that no poop was found in my head as accused of me by many people during the course of my life. I am not sure why they ever called me such a name but life is a mystery at times. I can honestly say that I have had my head examined and didn't vote for a single democrat. The idiots that elected BO need to have their heads examined too. I'll bet your bottom dollar the MRIs will show poop in their heads.
I usually travel with a dictionary of whatever language is spoken where I am going. I didn't have any luck with a Chinese dictionary. Well La De Da, Asia has different characters too. Duhh. I tried to look up words and not only couldn't say it but couldn't figure out the characters. Duhh, So, I bought an electronic dictionary that actually speaks the words and phrases along with displaying the characters. Now that thing is neat. It arrived in the mail a few days ago, and I took it out of the box and immediately started looking up nasty words. Just kidding, it was really only vulgar words however neither vulgar nor nasty were in the dictionary. I felt a little cheated because how am I supposed to describe democrats to Asians without using vulgar or nasty words? I guess I'll draw vulgar and nasty pictures instead. I'll figure it out and be a good diplomatic.
The blog is back on and stayed tuned to this station for updates. See you in a day or so.
Al
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