Alrighty then. We aren't sure if today is Feb 26 or Feb 27. We are confused on several planes and could care less because are on vacation. Tomorrow we arrive in Dalian, China and really know very little about the city even though we sat through a forty-five minute "lecture" about the city today. The woman that gave the lecture talked about herself, cruise line policy, and then finally why she wouldn't answer question during the "lecture". She talked about everything but Dalian. I'd talk about Dalian here but I know jack squat about the place.
On cruise ships, eight passengers are grouped together at the same dinner table for the entire voyage unless you take a Norwegian Cruise Line "Freestyle" cruise, and you are grouped together as the dude at the door sees fit. I would have called the door dude a Maitre' d, but I can't spell Maitre' d. "Freestyle" cruising means women can wear their "sweatsuits" to dinner along with their husbands dressed in their "#3 Earnhardt is gone but not forgotten" dress, commemorative t-shirts. We took a "Freestyle" cruise from Charleston, SC a few years ago on The Redneck Riviera, and some of those ladies actually had writing on the rear of their best Sunday Go To Meeting Sweatpants that said horrible things like "sexy" or "juicy" in huge letters scrolled across their huge butts. It was horrible, and we won't "Freestyle" cruise (read Freakstyle cruise) again unless we lose our minds. I'm shivering at this very minute just thinking about the subject. Dang, where was I? Oh yeah, passengers are grouped together at dinner for the entire voyage, which in our case is 12 days. Twelve long or short days depending on several factors. At dinner last night we met our table mates. Our table seats eight people and one couple didn't show which left us with a nice couple from California and another couple I will refer to as Chatty Cathy and Mumbles (CC & M). I thought about calling this woman Yackzilla or Queen Wrong but Chatty Cathy better describes her. Mumbles is called Mumbles because Chatty Cathy hasn't allowed him to speak in twenty-four years of excruciating marriage. I would imagine twenty-four horrible years without the possibility of parole. This woman never shut her mouth for the entire dinner. A very, very long dinner. Luckily Deb got paired off with CC & M as dinner progressed, and I got to ignore CC & M and got to talk to the other couple and had a nice time. Deb took one for the team whether she wanted to or not. This morning we went to the buffet for breakfast and saw the other nice couple with whom we had breakfast. The nice couple wants to vote C C & M off the dinner island if you know what I mean. I told them we should wait until after dinner tonight and see if Mumbles speaks as he may want to vote Chatty Cathy off too. Shoot, he might be a nice guy--a deaf guy but a nice guy regardless. Stay tuned to this station for more updates.
No democrat jokes tonight which means double jokes tomorrow.
See Yall tomorrow.
Al
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Friday, February 25, 2011
Subway, Maglev, Jade Buddah --Shangai Feb 25, 2011
We spent last night on the ship. Our room is nice, yada, yada, yada. Enough about the ship and where we are. Let's get down to business.
We had an adventurous day yesterday. We rode the subway and you haven't lived until you have ridden the subway in Shanghai at rush hour no doubt. Holy guacamole. There was a gazillion people moving in a wave that would crush Southern boys if they had a chance. Geez I might have Post Traumatic Subway Syndrome or something along those lines. Somebody hug me. I know I will wake up years from now screaming in my sleep. Not from the subway but from BO and the democrats. Now, we both know I blindsided you with that democrat joke. Anyway, we figured out how the subway system worked and rode the thing all over the city. Deb and I have ridden subways in several parts of the world, so this one wasn't too tough to figure out. Yeah right. The locals gawked at me like I was the only 6'2", white, Southern boy they have ever seen. I might as well have been from Jupiter. Beep, beep. We come in peace. Take me to your leaders. Yeah right. Deb got some looks too. We were at the convention center or whatever the name of the place was, good Lord I ain't even going to attempt to spell the name of the place if I could. Whatever, the place was the convention center, now I've lost my train of thought. I remember now, Deb and I were walking around the convention center when a local came up and wanted to photograph himself with Deb, then his buddy did too. It seems blonds are a novelty here and I got a huge laugh out of the whole deal. What you might not know is Deb is a bleach blond and they thought she was a true blond. You might say she is an American blond knockoff. Now that is too funny.
We rode the Maglev train too. Great Ceasar's ghost that thing hauls butt. The Maglev is a train that runs from Shanghai Pudong Airport to downtown. It takes about 10 minutes, costs $7 each way, and goes 300 KPH. For the American readers (the Canadian readers already know), 300KPH is about 185 MPH. Lickity split. Furthermore, it rides and is propelled not by wheels but magnetism. I believe it is the only working public transient maglev train in existence. For you jackasses that like to pick apart details and might find another working maglev train in outer Mongolia or somewhere --bite me. I don't care. This particular train moves as fast as a NASCAR car moves. I kept wondering where the locals were with their Maglev t-shirts drinking beer and screaming something in Mandarin that sounded like "Earnhardt". Wheee.
Today, we went to the temple of the Jade Buddha. This temple is a destination for Buddhists I'm told. The temple was amazing. I won't bore you with the details, but there must be a few dozen Buddhas in the temple in every configuration and color. Some of the Buddhas dated back to 600AD. That would make them the same age as Larry King and Dick Clark. The craftsmanship of the statues were simply stunning. The Jade Buddha was made from one piece of Jade and was maybe 6ft tall. I will upload pictures when it doesn't cost so much to do so.
Social networking websites including this blog are blocked by the Chinese government. This blog is made possible by satellite internet links from the cruise ship.
We leave in a few hours to start the cruise.
Al
We had an adventurous day yesterday. We rode the subway and you haven't lived until you have ridden the subway in Shanghai at rush hour no doubt. Holy guacamole. There was a gazillion people moving in a wave that would crush Southern boys if they had a chance. Geez I might have Post Traumatic Subway Syndrome or something along those lines. Somebody hug me. I know I will wake up years from now screaming in my sleep. Not from the subway but from BO and the democrats. Now, we both know I blindsided you with that democrat joke. Anyway, we figured out how the subway system worked and rode the thing all over the city. Deb and I have ridden subways in several parts of the world, so this one wasn't too tough to figure out. Yeah right. The locals gawked at me like I was the only 6'2", white, Southern boy they have ever seen. I might as well have been from Jupiter. Beep, beep. We come in peace. Take me to your leaders. Yeah right. Deb got some looks too. We were at the convention center or whatever the name of the place was, good Lord I ain't even going to attempt to spell the name of the place if I could. Whatever, the place was the convention center, now I've lost my train of thought. I remember now, Deb and I were walking around the convention center when a local came up and wanted to photograph himself with Deb, then his buddy did too. It seems blonds are a novelty here and I got a huge laugh out of the whole deal. What you might not know is Deb is a bleach blond and they thought she was a true blond. You might say she is an American blond knockoff. Now that is too funny.
We rode the Maglev train too. Great Ceasar's ghost that thing hauls butt. The Maglev is a train that runs from Shanghai Pudong Airport to downtown. It takes about 10 minutes, costs $7 each way, and goes 300 KPH. For the American readers (the Canadian readers already know), 300KPH is about 185 MPH. Lickity split. Furthermore, it rides and is propelled not by wheels but magnetism. I believe it is the only working public transient maglev train in existence. For you jackasses that like to pick apart details and might find another working maglev train in outer Mongolia or somewhere --bite me. I don't care. This particular train moves as fast as a NASCAR car moves. I kept wondering where the locals were with their Maglev t-shirts drinking beer and screaming something in Mandarin that sounded like "Earnhardt". Wheee.
Today, we went to the temple of the Jade Buddha. This temple is a destination for Buddhists I'm told. The temple was amazing. I won't bore you with the details, but there must be a few dozen Buddhas in the temple in every configuration and color. Some of the Buddhas dated back to 600AD. That would make them the same age as Larry King and Dick Clark. The craftsmanship of the statues were simply stunning. The Jade Buddha was made from one piece of Jade and was maybe 6ft tall. I will upload pictures when it doesn't cost so much to do so.
Social networking websites including this blog are blocked by the Chinese government. This blog is made possible by satellite internet links from the cruise ship.
We leave in a few hours to start the cruise.
Al
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Planes and Chinese Toilet Seats Feb 22, 2011 Raleigh to Shanghai
We made it to Shanghai. It took a little effort and some blind luck but we made it. This big ole, dumb, Southern boy sticks out here like, well, a big ole dumb Southern boy in Shanghai. Shoot, everywhere we go I am the center of attraction, mainly because I am at least a foot taller than anyone else in the crowd. They must think I'm a real life Godzilla and going to squirt fire out of my mouth or something. Let's just say the spitting fire out my mouth almost happened earlier in the day.
When we arrived at the airport, this morning, we had the first of several hours of delays due to the weather in Chicago. After several hours of delay, we finally did board the aircraft for the Raleigh to Chicago leg of the trip. Deb and I were sitting in our seats as this Hip Hop Hat Boy came onboard with this huge bag and was tried to jam it into an overhead compartment a couple seats to our back. Well Hip Hop Hat Boy couldn't get bagzilla to fit in the compartment there, so he used his massive brain power and decided the jamming would be easier in the compartment above my head. Hip Hop Hat Boy then attempted to force the huge bag into that compartment up until he decided to drop it on my head. What you may or may not know is that I have a small, skull fracture from earlier in the week. No, I don't have a small skull just a small fracture which by all means should be a large fracture had it not been for a intuitive gentleman that grabbed the bag in just the nick of time. You should have seen the gentleman's face when he found out he not only saved me from a headache, but likely a brand new trip to the hospital, or should I say trip number two to the hospital. May I say thank you to that gentleman again with all of my head. Hip Hop Hat Boy needs to have his butt stomped. Idiot. Democrat. Oh my, I got the democrat joke in the second paragraph. Did you see that one coming?
We finally got to Chicago with most of my skull intact and boarded the plane to China--the slow plane to China. The Chicago to China flight was 14 hours long--very long. Geez Louise, I am glad I don't have to fly distances like that often. Modern day flying is a treat all to itself. I couldn't move but about 3 inches in each direction and the places where I used to go stand in order to get up out of the seat, are now forbidden. I guess the flight attendants don't like it or some lawyer made it impossible for us by suing some airline. Anyway, I was the sardine in seat 204a and Deb was the blond sardine in seat 204b. I will cover the blond part tomorrow.
So we finally got to Shanghai and to our hotel which was super duper nice. It was surprisingly luxurious. The rooms and public areas of the hotel were lined with marble and fine antiques. The fine antiques part was significant since we stayed on The Bund. The Bund was the western financial district in Shanghai until the second world war when the Japanese occupied it and kicked some butt. The 70's movie Empire of the Sun would be worth your time to watch to fully understand the last sentence. Anyway, the hotel had all kinds of neat electronic things that Deb ran around turning on and irritating the crap out of me. Furthermore, the room had all kinds of free stuff that Deb again ran around opening and trying. As you might already know, I am a licensed plumber-a plumber that doesn't do much plumbing anymore. It was something I did before I discovered college. The reason I mentioned my plumbing license is because I keep up with the new plumbing fixtures and appliances. Toto makes a toilet seat that is popular in Asia but hasn't caught on in the US. This hotel had one installed in the bathroom. This seat has a temperature and computer controlled water jet in the front and rear of the seat for "rear washing". It is kind of a bidet and crack washer in one. After a good crack washing and to further enhance your crack washing pleasure , you simply push another button and a tiny, built in blow dryer will blow dry and style your butt hair. I lied it won't style your hair just dry it. You have to manually comb you own butt hair. I kid you not, it squirted water and bowled dry your butt crack. It was kind of like sitting on a drinking fountain with hot air jets. This thing had a wall mounted controller with temperature settings, knobs, switches, and midgets on call. And to further enhance your toileting pleasure, the toilet seat was heated. Now I can assure you The Star Wars Toilet Seat ain't going to show up at Casa Al any time soon even though Deb said she wanted one. Nope it ain't going to happen. I can just see me asking for that monstrosity at the plumbing supply house. The gentlemen in there would have a field day laughing at me. It ain't going to happen.
I will stop for today. We board the boat tomorrow night and stay one additional day in Shanghai. See Yall tomorrow.
Al
When we arrived at the airport, this morning, we had the first of several hours of delays due to the weather in Chicago. After several hours of delay, we finally did board the aircraft for the Raleigh to Chicago leg of the trip. Deb and I were sitting in our seats as this Hip Hop Hat Boy came onboard with this huge bag and was tried to jam it into an overhead compartment a couple seats to our back. Well Hip Hop Hat Boy couldn't get bagzilla to fit in the compartment there, so he used his massive brain power and decided the jamming would be easier in the compartment above my head. Hip Hop Hat Boy then attempted to force the huge bag into that compartment up until he decided to drop it on my head. What you may or may not know is that I have a small, skull fracture from earlier in the week. No, I don't have a small skull just a small fracture which by all means should be a large fracture had it not been for a intuitive gentleman that grabbed the bag in just the nick of time. You should have seen the gentleman's face when he found out he not only saved me from a headache, but likely a brand new trip to the hospital, or should I say trip number two to the hospital. May I say thank you to that gentleman again with all of my head. Hip Hop Hat Boy needs to have his butt stomped. Idiot. Democrat. Oh my, I got the democrat joke in the second paragraph. Did you see that one coming?
We finally got to Chicago with most of my skull intact and boarded the plane to China--the slow plane to China. The Chicago to China flight was 14 hours long--very long. Geez Louise, I am glad I don't have to fly distances like that often. Modern day flying is a treat all to itself. I couldn't move but about 3 inches in each direction and the places where I used to go stand in order to get up out of the seat, are now forbidden. I guess the flight attendants don't like it or some lawyer made it impossible for us by suing some airline. Anyway, I was the sardine in seat 204a and Deb was the blond sardine in seat 204b. I will cover the blond part tomorrow.
So we finally got to Shanghai and to our hotel which was super duper nice. It was surprisingly luxurious. The rooms and public areas of the hotel were lined with marble and fine antiques. The fine antiques part was significant since we stayed on The Bund. The Bund was the western financial district in Shanghai until the second world war when the Japanese occupied it and kicked some butt. The 70's movie Empire of the Sun would be worth your time to watch to fully understand the last sentence. Anyway, the hotel had all kinds of neat electronic things that Deb ran around turning on and irritating the crap out of me. Furthermore, the room had all kinds of free stuff that Deb again ran around opening and trying. As you might already know, I am a licensed plumber-a plumber that doesn't do much plumbing anymore. It was something I did before I discovered college. The reason I mentioned my plumbing license is because I keep up with the new plumbing fixtures and appliances. Toto makes a toilet seat that is popular in Asia but hasn't caught on in the US. This hotel had one installed in the bathroom. This seat has a temperature and computer controlled water jet in the front and rear of the seat for "rear washing". It is kind of a bidet and crack washer in one. After a good crack washing and to further enhance your crack washing pleasure , you simply push another button and a tiny, built in blow dryer will blow dry and style your butt hair. I lied it won't style your hair just dry it. You have to manually comb you own butt hair. I kid you not, it squirted water and bowled dry your butt crack. It was kind of like sitting on a drinking fountain with hot air jets. This thing had a wall mounted controller with temperature settings, knobs, switches, and midgets on call. And to further enhance your toileting pleasure, the toilet seat was heated. Now I can assure you The Star Wars Toilet Seat ain't going to show up at Casa Al any time soon even though Deb said she wanted one. Nope it ain't going to happen. I can just see me asking for that monstrosity at the plumbing supply house. The gentlemen in there would have a field day laughing at me. It ain't going to happen.
I will stop for today. We board the boat tomorrow night and stay one additional day in Shanghai. See Yall tomorrow.
Al
Sunday, February 20, 2011
China, Russia, and Japan--Oh my Raleigh, NC Feb 21, 2011
Oh alright, I might as well update the blog. Ive been busy working on the this, that, and the other thing, The other thing part has kept me from getting anything done and from updating this blog. Actually, I haven't gone anywhere interesting anyway.
Guess what? We are headed for a cruise leaving from Shanghai then visiting Beijing, Vladivostok (Russia), and a couple places in Japan. We will be on the road for 2 weeks and on the water for most of it. This trip will certainly give me lots of funny stuff to write about. Keep an eye out for updates.
The adventure starts Feb 22, 2011.
I think I just lied to you. The adventure started a week ago. I went to the doctor (vet) to get the necessary immunizations that the fine folks in China wants us to have. One of the immunizations was a live vaccine for typhoid. Oh baby, here is where the adventure starts. I started the vaccine which is an oral tablet that I was supposed (note that I said supposed) to take every other day with 4 tablets taken total. Tablet number 1 gave me the worst case of the green apple trots a stupid, Southern boy can have. I sat in the bathroom adding to the democrats (little d used intentionally) national political agenda all afternoon and evening. Notice how I got my democrat joke in while discussing my bathroom habits. Dang, am I good or what? Anyway, while contributing to the democratic agenda, I didn't drink any liquids and dehydrated. I've heard of celebrities dehydrating but could never understand how that a person could dehydrate without being in the desert. Now I know how, the democrats are to blame. Well, I got up from my desk and went upstairs to bed. As I got to the bottom of the stairs I decided to pass out and fall backwards and landed on my head which might have been a good thing because I might have hurt something important had I not landed on my head. I came to when the paramedics arrived and took my sorry butt to the hospital. A CT scan and about 40 million liters of IV liquids later, I found out I had an alleged hairline crack of my skull and a tiny brain bleed. Did you notice I said liters thinking I would impress you with my knowledge of the metric system. Impressive huh? Anyway, a busted head and a brain bruise ain't nearly as horrible (or romantic if you're a vampire) as you might think but it happened. I spent a couple days being jabbed, prodded, and poked in the hospital then came home. Oh baby, head injuries cause some serious headaches. My head has hurt almost as bad this week as the week after BO got elected. Almost. I've been almost as nauseated too, but I've been nauseated really for the last two years thanks to the democrats. My head has been CT and MRI scanned, and I am happy to report that no poop was found in my head as accused of me by many people during the course of my life. I am not sure why they ever called me such a name but life is a mystery at times. I can honestly say that I have had my head examined and didn't vote for a single democrat. The idiots that elected BO need to have their heads examined too. I'll bet your bottom dollar the MRIs will show poop in their heads.
I usually travel with a dictionary of whatever language is spoken where I am going. I didn't have any luck with a Chinese dictionary. Well La De Da, Asia has different characters too. Duhh. I tried to look up words and not only couldn't say it but couldn't figure out the characters. Duhh, So, I bought an electronic dictionary that actually speaks the words and phrases along with displaying the characters. Now that thing is neat. It arrived in the mail a few days ago, and I took it out of the box and immediately started looking up nasty words. Just kidding, it was really only vulgar words however neither vulgar nor nasty were in the dictionary. I felt a little cheated because how am I supposed to describe democrats to Asians without using vulgar or nasty words? I guess I'll draw vulgar and nasty pictures instead. I'll figure it out and be a good diplomatic.
The blog is back on and stayed tuned to this station for updates. See you in a day or so.
Al
Guess what? We are headed for a cruise leaving from Shanghai then visiting Beijing, Vladivostok (Russia), and a couple places in Japan. We will be on the road for 2 weeks and on the water for most of it. This trip will certainly give me lots of funny stuff to write about. Keep an eye out for updates.
The adventure starts Feb 22, 2011.
I think I just lied to you. The adventure started a week ago. I went to the doctor (vet) to get the necessary immunizations that the fine folks in China wants us to have. One of the immunizations was a live vaccine for typhoid. Oh baby, here is where the adventure starts. I started the vaccine which is an oral tablet that I was supposed (note that I said supposed) to take every other day with 4 tablets taken total. Tablet number 1 gave me the worst case of the green apple trots a stupid, Southern boy can have. I sat in the bathroom adding to the democrats (little d used intentionally) national political agenda all afternoon and evening. Notice how I got my democrat joke in while discussing my bathroom habits. Dang, am I good or what? Anyway, while contributing to the democratic agenda, I didn't drink any liquids and dehydrated. I've heard of celebrities dehydrating but could never understand how that a person could dehydrate without being in the desert. Now I know how, the democrats are to blame. Well, I got up from my desk and went upstairs to bed. As I got to the bottom of the stairs I decided to pass out and fall backwards and landed on my head which might have been a good thing because I might have hurt something important had I not landed on my head. I came to when the paramedics arrived and took my sorry butt to the hospital. A CT scan and about 40 million liters of IV liquids later, I found out I had an alleged hairline crack of my skull and a tiny brain bleed. Did you notice I said liters thinking I would impress you with my knowledge of the metric system. Impressive huh? Anyway, a busted head and a brain bruise ain't nearly as horrible (or romantic if you're a vampire) as you might think but it happened. I spent a couple days being jabbed, prodded, and poked in the hospital then came home. Oh baby, head injuries cause some serious headaches. My head has hurt almost as bad this week as the week after BO got elected. Almost. I've been almost as nauseated too, but I've been nauseated really for the last two years thanks to the democrats. My head has been CT and MRI scanned, and I am happy to report that no poop was found in my head as accused of me by many people during the course of my life. I am not sure why they ever called me such a name but life is a mystery at times. I can honestly say that I have had my head examined and didn't vote for a single democrat. The idiots that elected BO need to have their heads examined too. I'll bet your bottom dollar the MRIs will show poop in their heads.
I usually travel with a dictionary of whatever language is spoken where I am going. I didn't have any luck with a Chinese dictionary. Well La De Da, Asia has different characters too. Duhh. I tried to look up words and not only couldn't say it but couldn't figure out the characters. Duhh, So, I bought an electronic dictionary that actually speaks the words and phrases along with displaying the characters. Now that thing is neat. It arrived in the mail a few days ago, and I took it out of the box and immediately started looking up nasty words. Just kidding, it was really only vulgar words however neither vulgar nor nasty were in the dictionary. I felt a little cheated because how am I supposed to describe democrats to Asians without using vulgar or nasty words? I guess I'll draw vulgar and nasty pictures instead. I'll figure it out and be a good diplomatic.
The blog is back on and stayed tuned to this station for updates. See you in a day or so.
Al
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
State Fair, Carnies, Giant Turkey Legs, and Cow Poo
Alrighty then. It has been a while since I updated the blog. I am truly sorry that I forgot.
Now that I have groveled enough, I was asked to talk about the state fair. Oh goody, I could write a book on that subject. Deb wanted to go to the fair and as always we had to go on the night they let you in "free" if you bring four cans of food which is a great concept except we forgot to bring any cans of food. Now the ticket booths and entry points are always a treat for me. I view the admissions area as a funneling of foaming mouthed sheeple. Sheeple are people (humans I guess) that herd and act like sheep. Sheep will follow each other off the side of a cliff or so I am told. No, The Puppies do not have any sheep as pets, and my knowledge of sheep is limited to Hollywood like the rest of you. Anyway, the sheeple rush through the gates like it is feeding time and the farmers are dumping out the feed. Giant turkey legs and deep fried Oreos await. I guess in a metaphoric sense they are.
I adhere to a long standing tradition of trying to support the local businesses that operate at the fair. The money stays local and the carnies get money to not fix their teeth from someone else. If you listen to the idiot box (television), you think people loose their blooming onion minds when the fair is in town. Why would any sane person eat deep fried Oreos or for heavens sake, a Krispy Kreme hamburger? Clearly the answer is, they are victims of the herd mentality of sheeple (notice that is not capitalized on purpose because they don't deserve capitalization). Idiots.
So, we walked around the fair and we had dinner at Neomonde's stand. The cost was the same at Neomonde's market and none of it was deep fried. Was there a line at Neomonde's booth? Nope, but the line at the giant turkey legs was long. I can just see Peter Gros from Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom sneeking up on the Turkey Leg Idiots and whispering to the camera while pointing at the sheeple. "I have to stay back or the sheeple will trample me during their feeding frenzy. But I really would like to film the giant turkey legs, so I'm going to send in Jim". So, Jim Fowler would walk up to the booth and grab one of the huge turkey legs and swing it like a club to get away. I read on some local news website that the giant turkey legs come from turkeys that are fed a special meal to make them so huge. I wonder if they feed the giant turkeys giant turkey legs to make them that big. I really do have an enquiring mind.
After we had dinner standing up and getting it on my clothes, we decided to walk through the livestock area. Oh goody, I had swarma stains on my shirt now I was going to have sheep poo on my shoes, and I eventually fulfilled that prophecy. Deb wanted to see the sheep, so all I had to do was turn my head until I smelled them and away we went. We walked around the sheep and several of them looked like Monty and Riley when they were young. Next, we headed toward the cattle exhibit. Now why does a sane person walk around a cattle exhibit? Answer, because his wife wants to walk around the cattle exhibit. So,we did. This exhibit was somewhat crowded and we walked through the main aisle until this woman jumped up in my face holding out her arms. I reached back to grab my switchblade when I realized I didn't own a switchblade, so I had to be tolerant of her. This woman said and I kid you not, "Watch out. Cow coming through" just as a cow was being led through the crowd. It kind of reminded me of the guys that wave the flags that precede the forklift at Lowe's. We jumped off to the side not wanting to be trampled in a cow stampede as Bessy The Cow sauntered by on her way back to her pen. This was clearly a case of sheeple leading the cow. I am sure there is a joke in there somewhere which I will reserve for a later date.
We left there and went to the building where the state agencies had their displays. Don't ask me why state agencies need to advertise but they did. We were walking past the highway patrol exhibit when Deb saw this decal of a highway patrol badge. Deb grabbed one and put it on her shirt, and the rest of the night she kept trying to handcuff and taser me. Well, I care as much for being tasered as I do eating giant turkey legs. Deb was determined that I was going to have fun regardless. Some people lets authority go to their head. It ain't going to happen and it didn't.
I forgot to talk about the carnies. It is always fun to walk past the rides and see the person that is operating the rides. It amazes me that people with children will pay money to put Buffy and Jody onto a ride controlled by a person they tell their kids to stay away from. Evidently part of the fun is having a drunk meth head at the helm which heightens one's pleasure of being whirled around at vomit inducing speeds. Buffy and Jody do love the Jim Beam Crack-O-Whirl and the fair only comes around once a year. The only thing Buffy and Jody would like better would be the NASCAR Jim Beam Crack-O-Whirl. I wouldn't let these carnies operate a shovel much less let them put me on The Mechanical Spiral of Death. It ain't going to happen and it didn't.
To finish off our evening of pure glee, we stopped by the booth where the dairy department of NCSU sells ice cream. The ice cream is great but the line was 30 minutes long. Of course, we had to have ice cream. So, we did. I then added an ice cream stain to the swarma stain on my shirt which accompanied the cow, sheep, and turkey poo on my shoes. Boy, did I ever have fun.
Christmas is approaching and our Christmas display will be magnificent this year. Email me for a link to my Christmas display website.
Bye for now,
Al
Now that I have groveled enough, I was asked to talk about the state fair. Oh goody, I could write a book on that subject. Deb wanted to go to the fair and as always we had to go on the night they let you in "free" if you bring four cans of food which is a great concept except we forgot to bring any cans of food. Now the ticket booths and entry points are always a treat for me. I view the admissions area as a funneling of foaming mouthed sheeple. Sheeple are people (humans I guess) that herd and act like sheep. Sheep will follow each other off the side of a cliff or so I am told. No, The Puppies do not have any sheep as pets, and my knowledge of sheep is limited to Hollywood like the rest of you. Anyway, the sheeple rush through the gates like it is feeding time and the farmers are dumping out the feed. Giant turkey legs and deep fried Oreos await. I guess in a metaphoric sense they are.
I adhere to a long standing tradition of trying to support the local businesses that operate at the fair. The money stays local and the carnies get money to not fix their teeth from someone else. If you listen to the idiot box (television), you think people loose their blooming onion minds when the fair is in town. Why would any sane person eat deep fried Oreos or for heavens sake, a Krispy Kreme hamburger? Clearly the answer is, they are victims of the herd mentality of sheeple (notice that is not capitalized on purpose because they don't deserve capitalization). Idiots.
So, we walked around the fair and we had dinner at Neomonde's stand. The cost was the same at Neomonde's market and none of it was deep fried. Was there a line at Neomonde's booth? Nope, but the line at the giant turkey legs was long. I can just see Peter Gros from Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom sneeking up on the Turkey Leg Idiots and whispering to the camera while pointing at the sheeple. "I have to stay back or the sheeple will trample me during their feeding frenzy. But I really would like to film the giant turkey legs, so I'm going to send in Jim". So, Jim Fowler would walk up to the booth and grab one of the huge turkey legs and swing it like a club to get away. I read on some local news website that the giant turkey legs come from turkeys that are fed a special meal to make them so huge. I wonder if they feed the giant turkeys giant turkey legs to make them that big. I really do have an enquiring mind.
After we had dinner standing up and getting it on my clothes, we decided to walk through the livestock area. Oh goody, I had swarma stains on my shirt now I was going to have sheep poo on my shoes, and I eventually fulfilled that prophecy. Deb wanted to see the sheep, so all I had to do was turn my head until I smelled them and away we went. We walked around the sheep and several of them looked like Monty and Riley when they were young. Next, we headed toward the cattle exhibit. Now why does a sane person walk around a cattle exhibit? Answer, because his wife wants to walk around the cattle exhibit. So,we did. This exhibit was somewhat crowded and we walked through the main aisle until this woman jumped up in my face holding out her arms. I reached back to grab my switchblade when I realized I didn't own a switchblade, so I had to be tolerant of her. This woman said and I kid you not, "Watch out. Cow coming through" just as a cow was being led through the crowd. It kind of reminded me of the guys that wave the flags that precede the forklift at Lowe's. We jumped off to the side not wanting to be trampled in a cow stampede as Bessy The Cow sauntered by on her way back to her pen. This was clearly a case of sheeple leading the cow. I am sure there is a joke in there somewhere which I will reserve for a later date.
We left there and went to the building where the state agencies had their displays. Don't ask me why state agencies need to advertise but they did. We were walking past the highway patrol exhibit when Deb saw this decal of a highway patrol badge. Deb grabbed one and put it on her shirt, and the rest of the night she kept trying to handcuff and taser me. Well, I care as much for being tasered as I do eating giant turkey legs. Deb was determined that I was going to have fun regardless. Some people lets authority go to their head. It ain't going to happen and it didn't.
I forgot to talk about the carnies. It is always fun to walk past the rides and see the person that is operating the rides. It amazes me that people with children will pay money to put Buffy and Jody onto a ride controlled by a person they tell their kids to stay away from. Evidently part of the fun is having a drunk meth head at the helm which heightens one's pleasure of being whirled around at vomit inducing speeds. Buffy and Jody do love the Jim Beam Crack-O-Whirl and the fair only comes around once a year. The only thing Buffy and Jody would like better would be the NASCAR Jim Beam Crack-O-Whirl. I wouldn't let these carnies operate a shovel much less let them put me on The Mechanical Spiral of Death. It ain't going to happen and it didn't.
To finish off our evening of pure glee, we stopped by the booth where the dairy department of NCSU sells ice cream. The ice cream is great but the line was 30 minutes long. Of course, we had to have ice cream. So, we did. I then added an ice cream stain to the swarma stain on my shirt which accompanied the cow, sheep, and turkey poo on my shoes. Boy, did I ever have fun.
Christmas is approaching and our Christmas display will be magnificent this year. Email me for a link to my Christmas display website.
Bye for now,
Al
Friday, September 10, 2010
Kmart, Christmas Lighting Crazies,YMSU Campground
Well hi de ho Kmart shoppers. That's a phrase that I'll bet you haven't heard in a while or ever before for that matter. As part of my life experiences, I have shopped in Kmart. I didn't like it but I did. Now I know what you are thinking, yes I wore a disguise. I would equate shopping in Kmart about the same experience as when I was a kid and having a bully sit on me and fart on my head. But what do I know? In a time long ago, a long time before The Love Boat, Deb and I were traveling to go "camping" in West By God Virginia. We were on the interstate in the mountains on Saturday afternoon and the brakes on the car were making ugly sounds and needed automotive stimulus. In West By God Virginia, Walmart is associated with Nordstrums and Kmart is a Friday night outing. We were in the middle of Hooterville and the thought of spending Saturday and Sunday night waiting on Bubba to open Bubba's Auto Garage, Food and Ammo Store on Monday to fix our car was not really palatable. So we put on our fake nose and glasses mask and had the friendly folks at Kmart fix our mighty purty Jeep Cherokee. A few hundred dollars later we were on our way and Kmart was ancient history. The next time I went into Kmart was years later hunting for cut rate Christmas lights. Now, I am not proud and will stand on the side of the road and beg for Christmas lights if I had to, so Kmart was not all that bad that day. I'm not really sure where I'm going with this as it sort of popped into my Republican brain when I sat down to update the blog. Regardless, hi de ho Kmart shoppers just came to mind.
A week or so ago, Deb and I went to a Charlotte, NC for an animated Christmas lighting convention. We have been going each year for a few years and love it or at least I do. Deb wouldn't tell me if she didn't. So, we went and had fun. The usual group of crazies were there and provided the entertainment for us all. This particular all day meeting was about the upcoming technological changes to our hobby. You naysayers just laughed but the lighting crazies that read this blog are nodding that the changes afoot will dramatically change our hobby. If you make it to my display this year, you will get to see some of the changes, but you likely will not know it. The lighting that you may have seen in Hong Kong on the buildings is finally trickling down to us residential, animated lighting folks. Soon a single bulb will be computer controllable and I will finally achieve Hong Kong lighting status in my yard. Yeah baby. Those of you that have been to our display will know that it isn't just a bunch of Christmas lights and drop cords. The display is actually very complicated and requires an immense amount of engineering and planning. I heard those snickers, if you want me to wipe that smile off your face and turn you into one of my roadies you just say the word. Now to make you snicker again, I will have almost 100K lights this year, more than four miles of wire (actually I think that is a little conservative and it is multistranded wire), some very sophisticated electronics that I made and lots that I didn't. There are close to 40 embedded microprocessors, and an industrial communication protocol. Are you still snickering Smartbutt? I'll bet not. My engineer friends get a huge kick out the engineering that goes into this display. This is my hobby, and I work on it in some capacity every single day. I plan at least 1 1/2 years out to which I am now doing advanced planning for the 2011 display. I have to as it is extremely complicated. Some of you just laughed (I heard you don't deny it) when I mentioned that I listen to Christmas music almost every day. I've already picked part of the music for the 2011 display. I listened to a hundred renditions of Jingle Bells before I ever decided to implement the song into my display and it is amazing. I pick artists that I like and enjoy them for what they are--artists. The musicians that read this blog know that an artist can take a song as simple as Jingle Bells and turn it into an amazing piece of music. Somebody once said what separates a hobby from obsession was a very thin line. I don't have time for an obsession as my hobby keeps me too busy. Dang, I forgot to tell you about the campground were we stayed in Charlotte.
This campground was what I call a YMSU or a Yankee Money Separation Unit. You know what I'm talking about. It is a facade business that caters to Yankees with outrageous things and separates our northern friends from larger than normal portions of their money. This campground, a YMSU extraordinaire, was on Lake Norman and charged $40 to $80 per night for the smallest campsites in existence. Out front it had a security gate ten feet high with wrought iron fencing leading up to the road. What most people don't know is that this particular fence is only in the front and not on the rest of the property. The thugs simply park next to the road and walk the 200 feet into the campground. Now Yankees love them some gates. You can always tell where a Yankee has a vacation house in the south by the gate on the driveway leading up to the house. Most don't have fences around the property just driveway gates. As with most of the gates, you could drive around the gate but I guess the bad people would never figure that out. Down here a gate just tells us that a Yankee owns that house, so we don't throw our Sundrop bottles and Moonpie wrappers into a Southerner's yard. You betcha. Anyway, you guys got me side tracked again. This campsite was only two feet longer than our small motorhome. This had to be the shortest and steepest campsite that we have ever "camped" in. The campground was built entirely into the hill leading down into the lake. I had to back The Love Boat at an angle to keep from striking the beautiful brick wall ten feet behind out campsite. I believe that I used the term moron to describe the person that built that campground or RV resort as they wanted to be called. By big ole hairy butt. It was a YMSU that I didn't recognize as an YMSU. I guess I was listening to Christmas music that day and missed something.
I was told by someone my blog is wordy. Tough.
Al
A week or so ago, Deb and I went to a Charlotte, NC for an animated Christmas lighting convention. We have been going each year for a few years and love it or at least I do. Deb wouldn't tell me if she didn't. So, we went and had fun. The usual group of crazies were there and provided the entertainment for us all. This particular all day meeting was about the upcoming technological changes to our hobby. You naysayers just laughed but the lighting crazies that read this blog are nodding that the changes afoot will dramatically change our hobby. If you make it to my display this year, you will get to see some of the changes, but you likely will not know it. The lighting that you may have seen in Hong Kong on the buildings is finally trickling down to us residential, animated lighting folks. Soon a single bulb will be computer controllable and I will finally achieve Hong Kong lighting status in my yard. Yeah baby. Those of you that have been to our display will know that it isn't just a bunch of Christmas lights and drop cords. The display is actually very complicated and requires an immense amount of engineering and planning. I heard those snickers, if you want me to wipe that smile off your face and turn you into one of my roadies you just say the word. Now to make you snicker again, I will have almost 100K lights this year, more than four miles of wire (actually I think that is a little conservative and it is multistranded wire), some very sophisticated electronics that I made and lots that I didn't. There are close to 40 embedded microprocessors, and an industrial communication protocol. Are you still snickering Smartbutt? I'll bet not. My engineer friends get a huge kick out the engineering that goes into this display. This is my hobby, and I work on it in some capacity every single day. I plan at least 1 1/2 years out to which I am now doing advanced planning for the 2011 display. I have to as it is extremely complicated. Some of you just laughed (I heard you don't deny it) when I mentioned that I listen to Christmas music almost every day. I've already picked part of the music for the 2011 display. I listened to a hundred renditions of Jingle Bells before I ever decided to implement the song into my display and it is amazing. I pick artists that I like and enjoy them for what they are--artists. The musicians that read this blog know that an artist can take a song as simple as Jingle Bells and turn it into an amazing piece of music. Somebody once said what separates a hobby from obsession was a very thin line. I don't have time for an obsession as my hobby keeps me too busy. Dang, I forgot to tell you about the campground were we stayed in Charlotte.
This campground was what I call a YMSU or a Yankee Money Separation Unit. You know what I'm talking about. It is a facade business that caters to Yankees with outrageous things and separates our northern friends from larger than normal portions of their money. This campground, a YMSU extraordinaire, was on Lake Norman and charged $40 to $80 per night for the smallest campsites in existence. Out front it had a security gate ten feet high with wrought iron fencing leading up to the road. What most people don't know is that this particular fence is only in the front and not on the rest of the property. The thugs simply park next to the road and walk the 200 feet into the campground. Now Yankees love them some gates. You can always tell where a Yankee has a vacation house in the south by the gate on the driveway leading up to the house. Most don't have fences around the property just driveway gates. As with most of the gates, you could drive around the gate but I guess the bad people would never figure that out. Down here a gate just tells us that a Yankee owns that house, so we don't throw our Sundrop bottles and Moonpie wrappers into a Southerner's yard. You betcha. Anyway, you guys got me side tracked again. This campsite was only two feet longer than our small motorhome. This had to be the shortest and steepest campsite that we have ever "camped" in. The campground was built entirely into the hill leading down into the lake. I had to back The Love Boat at an angle to keep from striking the beautiful brick wall ten feet behind out campsite. I believe that I used the term moron to describe the person that built that campground or RV resort as they wanted to be called. By big ole hairy butt. It was a YMSU that I didn't recognize as an YMSU. I guess I was listening to Christmas music that day and missed something.
I was told by someone my blog is wordy. Tough.
Al
Friday, August 20, 2010
Army Buddy, Diner, Short Pants.
Keep reading and I will explain this photo.
A couple days ago I got a phone call from an old army buddy. I believe that I've talked about him, but really all you should know is that he drives a tractor trailer truck. He travels all over the US, and we arrange to meet to see each other whenever we are going to be within 100 miles of each other. When he called he said he was going to be in Greensboro, NC to deliver a load and would be there about midday, I agreed to meet him. Raleigh and Greensboro are about 90 minutes apart which is about as far as I would drive to have lunch with him. Now Army Buddy has a remarkable memory for details--truly remarkable. He had delivered to the Greensboro area before and remembered a diner that was on HWY 29 just north of Greensboro. This particular diner had truck parking and seemed to be a good place to meet. This diner was not a place that I would normally frequent as it looked "rough" from the outside and was about the same inside. The front of the place was lined in neon and the neon was making a crackling sound like you hear in horror movies. I kid you not. Because this diner was quite small, when Army buddy and I walked in together everybody looked up at us. From the squinting of their Caterpillar ballcap covered eyes, I immediately got the feeling that the boys didn't like College Boy (me) accompanying Army Buddy into their Bubba Bistro. It sure didn't help when I smiled and showed them I had all of my teeth, but I can handle my myself. After the awkwardness subsided, a waitress told us in Greensboronese to have a seat anywhere we wanted. I wanted to avoid the whole matter and go sit in the next county but Army Buddy got a booth and the boys went back to chewing on toothpicks and sucking food through their tooth. Like old friends will do, Army Buddy started telling me about something that happened to him on the way to Bubba Bistro when the other waitress walked up and asked if we were ready to order. I looked up at the waitress and swore the girl was a vampire. Her skin was washed out and pale as Martha Stewart's face at the moment the judge sentenced her to jail. This girl's lips were gray. I surmised she was either a vampire or anemic. It was daylight outside, so I halfheartedly decided she was anemic. So, Anemic Waitress asked again if we were ready to order. By now I was almost in sensory overload to the point I was having trouble making words, but I had enough resolve to ask her to bring me some water--tap water that is not holy water. Army Buddy did the same and Anemic Waitress scurried off to the room behind the cash register. Then Army Buddy and I decided what we wanted from the menu which was laminated and covered in Magic Marker scribblings updating the prices on the stuff. We chit chatted a couple minutes and Anemic Waitress returned and again asked us to order. I ordered a grilled chicken sandwich and Army Buddy ordered a barbecue plate. When she left we went back to chit chatting. About ten minutes later Anemic Waitress brought over the food and placed it in front of us. Army Buddy then asked her where the bread was for his barbecue plate because in Kansas they always get bread with the barbecue plate. Well Anemic Waitress wasted no time assuming the "I don't get paid enough for this crap and you've got to be kidding me" pose that nineteen year old females so commonly exhibit. Army Buddy kept insisting and I gave him the "I'd fight Al-Qaeda beside you but I don't fight vampires and you're on your own" look. I got up and went to the men's room. That is when I saw the sign you just saw above. I've been in men's rooms before, lots of them, and I have never needed a sign to inform me not to urinate on the floor. I figure that is one of those things that goes without saying. However, the other clientele must have needed some coaching and for the most part they adhered to the management's wishes. But having read the sign a little late, I was careful not to soil my College Boy shoes from the existing inventory on the floor, and decided I needed to rejoin Army Buddy before Anemic Waitress came and took out her bread frustrations on the College Boy that didn't read the sign not to pee on the floor. I was guilty by association. I stealthy walked back to the table and Army Buddy had his bread sitting in front of him and was happy. The neighboring boys didn't pay me much attention because they were too busy snickering about the College Boy returning with pee on his fancy shoes. Amazingly, the rest of the time we were there everything else was uneventful. Army Buddy and I caught up on stuff, and we left and I drove back to Raleigh. The last part almost made up for the first part.
Deb bought me a couple pairs of shorts (short pants) from a mail order company. They arrived a few days ago, and I decided to wear a pair of them to see Army Buddy. I pulled off all the labels and got dressed. I was putting my wallet into the right rear pocket when I noticed that only the left pocket was real. The right pocket had a flap and Velcro but was only two inches deep. Now what moron designed a pair of shorts with a two inch deep pocket? I'll bet he was a college boy and didn't go into diners, because if he did he'd get beat up by the boys for making pants that their tin of Skoal snuff didn't fit in. I felt cheated. Where is my other pocket? Maybe I'll get me a short wallet and cut all of my credit cards and stuff in half, and then I would have something to put in my two inch deep pocket. The pocket had a flap and Velcro on it in case you missed it the first time I said it. Is this some kind of a fashion joke or something? Maybe that was what the boys in the restaurant were looking at, College Boy with the short pocket is going to get pee all over his shoes. It ain't funny, and I ain't laughing.
Geez Yall,
Al
MontyAndRiley@gmail.com
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