Dude, we're off the coast of North Korea. I've worried the nut in North Korea would decide the international statement he wanted to make was torpedoing the big ole white boat the big ole dumb Southern boy was on (translated as my ship and me), but so far so good. I can't say I am too scared as I mooned him this morning (all puns intended). I just stuck my big ole dumb hairy butt off the poop deck and yelled, "Tune your satellites on this pointy-head". You might call that action Southern Boy diplomacy. Now you know why I'm not a Washington diplomat.
Last night we had formal night on the ship where big ole dumb Southern Boys dress up in monkey suits and act civilized or even grown-up for that matter for a while. We went to a "Captain's Circle" mixer where the captain got up and said some speech while we drank free mixed drinks. Now you know fully well that it didn't happen like that. But, if they called it "The Captain's Watered Down, Cheap Drinks Party", big ole dumb Southern Boys wouldn't attend. Since I have a San Andreas Fault running through my head, I didn't even get to drink the watered down drinks. Bummer. Deb drank mine and hers though. While we attended the monkey suit dressup ball, the captain introduced a couple that virtually lived on this ship. This couple from Victoria, BC had 148 cruises on Princess Cruise Lines. One of the crew told us the couple have spent the last four months on this ship. The last couple of days, one of the asinine things that we did was go to a Trivial Pursuit type of gathering. You know, the host asks questions and big ole dumb Southern Boys try and act interested, and it lasts 30 minutes and big ole dumb Southern Boy's wives get all warm and fuzzy inside. I stuck bamboo shoots under my fingernails to take away the pain of having to sit through it. Anyway, the Victoria couple without any life that I mentioned above, came to the twice daily Trivial Pursuit things with a book where they recorded all of the questions and answers from the past gazillion times they "played" the game. These cheaters always won the game thanks to their magic book and not their memory. Cheaters, cheaters, cheaters. Moron, morons, morons. Losers, losers, losers. Dude! Today after I finished sticking bamboo under my fingernails, a six year old kid that had been hanging around with our group decided to talk with us. The kid chit chatted with us for a few minutes then informed us the winners had cheated thanks to their book. Out of the mouth of a babe came wisdom.
Chatty Cathy sat on the opposite side of the dinner table last night virtually out of ear shot of me. Rich (1/2 of the nice California couple I mentioned days ago) took one for the team and sat next to her. After dinner, Rich looked like somebody had put a bag over his head with a angry, wet cat in it. He had been emotionally clawed for hours. Poor Rich. Chatty Cathy had enlightened him with her problems about eye makeup, doctor visits, and all grades of nuclear emotional waste. Rich was peeved and with good reason. Personally, I think we should do with Chatty Cathy what the kid said we should do with the Canadian Cheaters, and drop her overboard. Chatty Cathy would wash up on North Korea's shore and commence to bombarding the North Koreans with her stories. You might call that torture worse than waterboarding.
After dinner last night, we went to the lounge and listened to the band. A Japanese couple got up and danced a few times. The woman would bend her back almost at a right angle and grimace like she was in pain while the guy acted like The Iron Chef all business like. He would spin her round and round like she was a propeller on a helicopter. A grimacing propeller but a propeller. Deb and I got up and impersonated them and poked some well deserved international fun at them. Would you expect anything else from me? I am certain this couple learned all of their dance moves at Althul Mullay (Japanese Authur Murray) or some nonsense place like that. Good Lord, I think that Japanese couple should quit watching round-eye television and get a life.
Tomorrow we dock in Vladivostok, Russia which should be interesting. See Yall later.
Al
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Toilets Humor --Beijing Feb 28, 2011
We arrived in Tianjin yesterday morning then boarded a bus for a 2-3 hour ride to The Great Wall which was about two hours from Beijing in another direction. The wall was neat to see. The section of the wall we visited was constructed in the 1500s. I'm told that certain portions of the wall date back to 600 AD. Dude, talk about paranoid, this wall is 6000 kilometers (Canadian readers know that is about 3700 miles) long. It took forever to build, so it must have been a union job. We weren't in port long enough to go to Beijing. Bummer.
The voyage to Tianjin was really rocky. I actually put on a sea sickness patch. Seasickness isn't usually a problem for me, but I have worn them at times. The last time I got that nauseated was for the last presidential election as I got horrendously sick and had the patches stuck all over me, The Puppies, Deb, and the UPS guy. Night before last when the sea was so rough, we went to dinner and the entire gang showed up less Chatty Cathy who was seasick. Thanks to her seasickness, we actually got to hear Mumble's voice, and he turned out to be a nice guy. When Mumbles gets home, I'll bet he buys himself a boat to get Chatty Cathy to shut up once in a while. Last night at dinner, Chatty Cathy was back in full force yacking at supersonic speeds. While Deb and I made our way through the dining room on the way to our table, my Spidey Powers were all tingly, so I knew Chatty Cathy was near by and likely would join us for dinner. So I told Deb to take one for the team and sit next to her because the other dinner mates were already there and had left two huge spaces for us adjacent to Chatty Cathy. I kind of snarled at the other table guests as they were likely snickering at us under their breath. Dirty rats.
About an hour from the wall during the bus ride we stopped for lunch. Let me tell you real Chinese food is very different from the US version of Chinese Food. Good Lord these people must be part Thai because they really like hot spices, or maybe they just enjoy cremating round eyes. Our lunch was hotter than Monica Lewinsky near a cigar store. In the center of the table was a huge lazy susan where the waitresses put small, food platters served family style. The restaurant was a little slow in bringing out the dishes, but most of us were having fun and didn't much care. There were eight of us at the table including a 21 year old American girl that whined the entire time during lunch. Whiney Girl would rake a good portion of the food from the platter onto her plate as the dish came by her on the lazy susan and whined about not getting enough. By the time the platter got around to those of us on the other side of the table, the platter was empty. What I should tell you was the platters were small but were multiple. Whiney Girl was served first food by the waitresses. What tickled me was how Whiney Girl got mad and screamed she wanted more food and stated, "I don't like Chinese food". Well you could have fooled my side of the table. My side of the table organized then drew straws to see who would tell the communist party observer that Whiney Girl was actually an American spy. What we didn't know was Whiney Girl was going to do something that made really, really made us laugh.
Lots of places outside of North America don't have flush toilets. I know the American readers are all appalled by this so get over it. In China, public flush toilets are less common than porcelain covered holes or just concrete holes often without running water. Americans might think of Chinese toilets as johnny houses but Chinese public toilets don't have seats just a hole in the ground. I lived in Europe for two years and got indoctrinated into the hole theory a long time ago. Well, it seems there is an art to or rather a trick to using these elongated holes especially for females. I am laughing so hard right now it is hard to type. Anyway, some of the women on our tour received a lesson from the female tour guide in the art of using the hole, but Whiney Girl must have been playing with her Ipod instead of listening to the art of using Ihole. At the restaurant during lunch, Whiney Girl had visited the hole and announced to the persons at the table upon her return that she had not squatted beside the hole instead of over the hole and had peed on her shoes. Really, I am having a hard time typing due to me laughing.
At The Great Wall, Deb and I decided to use The Great Hole and went around behind the gift shop where it was located. The building looked like a little tool shed without but without any halfmoon on the door. A que of two German ladies had formed waiting their turn at peeing on their shoes. Deb and I chit chatted with the German ladies passing the time when suddenly Whiney Girl flung open the tool shed door holding her nose screaming, " ...don't go in there, it is horrible. I think I'm going to be sick. Oh God it is gross". One of the German ladies told her, "...to get over it and shut up". Adding insult to injury the German lady stated, "American children are so spoiled". Deb and I started laughing and almost peed on our shoes. OK, I need to change the subject as I am about to laugh myself into a brain hemorrhage and having had one recently is enough.
On the way back from The Great Wall we stopped at a roadside rest stop/ gas station. This gas station had the look and feel of a US rest stop except the store was filled with stuff with no Roman lettering only Chinese lettering. Some of the stuff in the store we figured out what was inside by the pictures on the package or simply recognized the contents through the packaging. Deb, being Deb, was going into the store to buy something, because Deb can't pass a store without buying something. Anyway, Deb was going in as another lady from our bus was coming out with a package the lady had just bought. The lady walked up the Chinese, English speaking tour guide and asked him what she had just bought. The tour guide looked at the package and told her it was donkey skin. The woman was appalled and asked him to clarify what he said and the guide repeated donkey skin. The woman got more upset and asked him again for clarification and the tour guide put a finger to each side of his head like ears and said, "Hee haw". The woman got even more upset then returned to the bus. When we got back to the ship Deb caught up with the woman and asked her about the donkey skin. Of course the woman had not eaten it but her husband had and said it was fine. I almost lost it when he said that. Then Deb looked at him and said, "Hee haw". Of course Deb made donkey noises all through the terminal while walking back to the ship and by now the lady was laughing as well. Had I bought the donkey skin, I would have opened the package and handed it out to the people on the tour bus, then got them to pose for a picture after eating it but just before I told them what it was. I would have gotten some humor from that mistake regardless.
Oh, one last potty story before I go. While Deb was in the rest stop resthole, another woman had dropped her sunglasses into the hole and wanted to retrieve them. Oh my, I am laughing again. The woman ran up to the Chinese workers and told them and they ignored her. She somehow got the worker's attention and they got out their sewer snakes and poked the tools into the hole. Of course, she didn't retrieve her sunglasses before the bus left.
We are on course now for Vladivostok, Russia. We have three nights at sea until we arrive. I'll update the blog in a day or so after I quit laughing.
See Yall later.
Al
The voyage to Tianjin was really rocky. I actually put on a sea sickness patch. Seasickness isn't usually a problem for me, but I have worn them at times. The last time I got that nauseated was for the last presidential election as I got horrendously sick and had the patches stuck all over me, The Puppies, Deb, and the UPS guy. Night before last when the sea was so rough, we went to dinner and the entire gang showed up less Chatty Cathy who was seasick. Thanks to her seasickness, we actually got to hear Mumble's voice, and he turned out to be a nice guy. When Mumbles gets home, I'll bet he buys himself a boat to get Chatty Cathy to shut up once in a while. Last night at dinner, Chatty Cathy was back in full force yacking at supersonic speeds. While Deb and I made our way through the dining room on the way to our table, my Spidey Powers were all tingly, so I knew Chatty Cathy was near by and likely would join us for dinner. So I told Deb to take one for the team and sit next to her because the other dinner mates were already there and had left two huge spaces for us adjacent to Chatty Cathy. I kind of snarled at the other table guests as they were likely snickering at us under their breath. Dirty rats.
About an hour from the wall during the bus ride we stopped for lunch. Let me tell you real Chinese food is very different from the US version of Chinese Food. Good Lord these people must be part Thai because they really like hot spices, or maybe they just enjoy cremating round eyes. Our lunch was hotter than Monica Lewinsky near a cigar store. In the center of the table was a huge lazy susan where the waitresses put small, food platters served family style. The restaurant was a little slow in bringing out the dishes, but most of us were having fun and didn't much care. There were eight of us at the table including a 21 year old American girl that whined the entire time during lunch. Whiney Girl would rake a good portion of the food from the platter onto her plate as the dish came by her on the lazy susan and whined about not getting enough. By the time the platter got around to those of us on the other side of the table, the platter was empty. What I should tell you was the platters were small but were multiple. Whiney Girl was served first food by the waitresses. What tickled me was how Whiney Girl got mad and screamed she wanted more food and stated, "I don't like Chinese food". Well you could have fooled my side of the table. My side of the table organized then drew straws to see who would tell the communist party observer that Whiney Girl was actually an American spy. What we didn't know was Whiney Girl was going to do something that made really, really made us laugh.
Lots of places outside of North America don't have flush toilets. I know the American readers are all appalled by this so get over it. In China, public flush toilets are less common than porcelain covered holes or just concrete holes often without running water. Americans might think of Chinese toilets as johnny houses but Chinese public toilets don't have seats just a hole in the ground. I lived in Europe for two years and got indoctrinated into the hole theory a long time ago. Well, it seems there is an art to or rather a trick to using these elongated holes especially for females. I am laughing so hard right now it is hard to type. Anyway, some of the women on our tour received a lesson from the female tour guide in the art of using the hole, but Whiney Girl must have been playing with her Ipod instead of listening to the art of using Ihole. At the restaurant during lunch, Whiney Girl had visited the hole and announced to the persons at the table upon her return that she had not squatted beside the hole instead of over the hole and had peed on her shoes. Really, I am having a hard time typing due to me laughing.
At The Great Wall, Deb and I decided to use The Great Hole and went around behind the gift shop where it was located. The building looked like a little tool shed without but without any halfmoon on the door. A que of two German ladies had formed waiting their turn at peeing on their shoes. Deb and I chit chatted with the German ladies passing the time when suddenly Whiney Girl flung open the tool shed door holding her nose screaming, " ...don't go in there, it is horrible. I think I'm going to be sick. Oh God it is gross". One of the German ladies told her, "...to get over it and shut up". Adding insult to injury the German lady stated, "American children are so spoiled". Deb and I started laughing and almost peed on our shoes. OK, I need to change the subject as I am about to laugh myself into a brain hemorrhage and having had one recently is enough.
On the way back from The Great Wall we stopped at a roadside rest stop/ gas station. This gas station had the look and feel of a US rest stop except the store was filled with stuff with no Roman lettering only Chinese lettering. Some of the stuff in the store we figured out what was inside by the pictures on the package or simply recognized the contents through the packaging. Deb, being Deb, was going into the store to buy something, because Deb can't pass a store without buying something. Anyway, Deb was going in as another lady from our bus was coming out with a package the lady had just bought. The lady walked up the Chinese, English speaking tour guide and asked him what she had just bought. The tour guide looked at the package and told her it was donkey skin. The woman was appalled and asked him to clarify what he said and the guide repeated donkey skin. The woman got more upset and asked him again for clarification and the tour guide put a finger to each side of his head like ears and said, "Hee haw". The woman got even more upset then returned to the bus. When we got back to the ship Deb caught up with the woman and asked her about the donkey skin. Of course the woman had not eaten it but her husband had and said it was fine. I almost lost it when he said that. Then Deb looked at him and said, "Hee haw". Of course Deb made donkey noises all through the terminal while walking back to the ship and by now the lady was laughing as well. Had I bought the donkey skin, I would have opened the package and handed it out to the people on the tour bus, then got them to pose for a picture after eating it but just before I told them what it was. I would have gotten some humor from that mistake regardless.
Oh, one last potty story before I go. While Deb was in the rest stop resthole, another woman had dropped her sunglasses into the hole and wanted to retrieve them. Oh my, I am laughing again. The woman ran up to the Chinese workers and told them and they ignored her. She somehow got the worker's attention and they got out their sewer snakes and poked the tools into the hole. Of course, she didn't retrieve her sunglasses before the bus left.
We are on course now for Vladivostok, Russia. We have three nights at sea until we arrive. I'll update the blog in a day or so after I quit laughing.
See Yall later.
Al
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Lecture and Chatty Cathy --Yellow Sea Feb 26, 2011
Alrighty then. We aren't sure if today is Feb 26 or Feb 27. We are confused on several planes and could care less because are on vacation. Tomorrow we arrive in Dalian, China and really know very little about the city even though we sat through a forty-five minute "lecture" about the city today. The woman that gave the lecture talked about herself, cruise line policy, and then finally why she wouldn't answer question during the "lecture". She talked about everything but Dalian. I'd talk about Dalian here but I know jack squat about the place.
On cruise ships, eight passengers are grouped together at the same dinner table for the entire voyage unless you take a Norwegian Cruise Line "Freestyle" cruise, and you are grouped together as the dude at the door sees fit. I would have called the door dude a Maitre' d, but I can't spell Maitre' d. "Freestyle" cruising means women can wear their "sweatsuits" to dinner along with their husbands dressed in their "#3 Earnhardt is gone but not forgotten" dress, commemorative t-shirts. We took a "Freestyle" cruise from Charleston, SC a few years ago on The Redneck Riviera, and some of those ladies actually had writing on the rear of their best Sunday Go To Meeting Sweatpants that said horrible things like "sexy" or "juicy" in huge letters scrolled across their huge butts. It was horrible, and we won't "Freestyle" cruise (read Freakstyle cruise) again unless we lose our minds. I'm shivering at this very minute just thinking about the subject. Dang, where was I? Oh yeah, passengers are grouped together at dinner for the entire voyage, which in our case is 12 days. Twelve long or short days depending on several factors. At dinner last night we met our table mates. Our table seats eight people and one couple didn't show which left us with a nice couple from California and another couple I will refer to as Chatty Cathy and Mumbles (CC & M). I thought about calling this woman Yackzilla or Queen Wrong but Chatty Cathy better describes her. Mumbles is called Mumbles because Chatty Cathy hasn't allowed him to speak in twenty-four years of excruciating marriage. I would imagine twenty-four horrible years without the possibility of parole. This woman never shut her mouth for the entire dinner. A very, very long dinner. Luckily Deb got paired off with CC & M as dinner progressed, and I got to ignore CC & M and got to talk to the other couple and had a nice time. Deb took one for the team whether she wanted to or not. This morning we went to the buffet for breakfast and saw the other nice couple with whom we had breakfast. The nice couple wants to vote C C & M off the dinner island if you know what I mean. I told them we should wait until after dinner tonight and see if Mumbles speaks as he may want to vote Chatty Cathy off too. Shoot, he might be a nice guy--a deaf guy but a nice guy regardless. Stay tuned to this station for more updates.
No democrat jokes tonight which means double jokes tomorrow.
See Yall tomorrow.
Al
On cruise ships, eight passengers are grouped together at the same dinner table for the entire voyage unless you take a Norwegian Cruise Line "Freestyle" cruise, and you are grouped together as the dude at the door sees fit. I would have called the door dude a Maitre' d, but I can't spell Maitre' d. "Freestyle" cruising means women can wear their "sweatsuits" to dinner along with their husbands dressed in their "#3 Earnhardt is gone but not forgotten" dress, commemorative t-shirts. We took a "Freestyle" cruise from Charleston, SC a few years ago on The Redneck Riviera, and some of those ladies actually had writing on the rear of their best Sunday Go To Meeting Sweatpants that said horrible things like "sexy" or "juicy" in huge letters scrolled across their huge butts. It was horrible, and we won't "Freestyle" cruise (read Freakstyle cruise) again unless we lose our minds. I'm shivering at this very minute just thinking about the subject. Dang, where was I? Oh yeah, passengers are grouped together at dinner for the entire voyage, which in our case is 12 days. Twelve long or short days depending on several factors. At dinner last night we met our table mates. Our table seats eight people and one couple didn't show which left us with a nice couple from California and another couple I will refer to as Chatty Cathy and Mumbles (CC & M). I thought about calling this woman Yackzilla or Queen Wrong but Chatty Cathy better describes her. Mumbles is called Mumbles because Chatty Cathy hasn't allowed him to speak in twenty-four years of excruciating marriage. I would imagine twenty-four horrible years without the possibility of parole. This woman never shut her mouth for the entire dinner. A very, very long dinner. Luckily Deb got paired off with CC & M as dinner progressed, and I got to ignore CC & M and got to talk to the other couple and had a nice time. Deb took one for the team whether she wanted to or not. This morning we went to the buffet for breakfast and saw the other nice couple with whom we had breakfast. The nice couple wants to vote C C & M off the dinner island if you know what I mean. I told them we should wait until after dinner tonight and see if Mumbles speaks as he may want to vote Chatty Cathy off too. Shoot, he might be a nice guy--a deaf guy but a nice guy regardless. Stay tuned to this station for more updates.
No democrat jokes tonight which means double jokes tomorrow.
See Yall tomorrow.
Al
Friday, February 25, 2011
Subway, Maglev, Jade Buddah --Shangai Feb 25, 2011
We spent last night on the ship. Our room is nice, yada, yada, yada. Enough about the ship and where we are. Let's get down to business.
We had an adventurous day yesterday. We rode the subway and you haven't lived until you have ridden the subway in Shanghai at rush hour no doubt. Holy guacamole. There was a gazillion people moving in a wave that would crush Southern boys if they had a chance. Geez I might have Post Traumatic Subway Syndrome or something along those lines. Somebody hug me. I know I will wake up years from now screaming in my sleep. Not from the subway but from BO and the democrats. Now, we both know I blindsided you with that democrat joke. Anyway, we figured out how the subway system worked and rode the thing all over the city. Deb and I have ridden subways in several parts of the world, so this one wasn't too tough to figure out. Yeah right. The locals gawked at me like I was the only 6'2", white, Southern boy they have ever seen. I might as well have been from Jupiter. Beep, beep. We come in peace. Take me to your leaders. Yeah right. Deb got some looks too. We were at the convention center or whatever the name of the place was, good Lord I ain't even going to attempt to spell the name of the place if I could. Whatever, the place was the convention center, now I've lost my train of thought. I remember now, Deb and I were walking around the convention center when a local came up and wanted to photograph himself with Deb, then his buddy did too. It seems blonds are a novelty here and I got a huge laugh out of the whole deal. What you might not know is Deb is a bleach blond and they thought she was a true blond. You might say she is an American blond knockoff. Now that is too funny.
We rode the Maglev train too. Great Ceasar's ghost that thing hauls butt. The Maglev is a train that runs from Shanghai Pudong Airport to downtown. It takes about 10 minutes, costs $7 each way, and goes 300 KPH. For the American readers (the Canadian readers already know), 300KPH is about 185 MPH. Lickity split. Furthermore, it rides and is propelled not by wheels but magnetism. I believe it is the only working public transient maglev train in existence. For you jackasses that like to pick apart details and might find another working maglev train in outer Mongolia or somewhere --bite me. I don't care. This particular train moves as fast as a NASCAR car moves. I kept wondering where the locals were with their Maglev t-shirts drinking beer and screaming something in Mandarin that sounded like "Earnhardt". Wheee.
Today, we went to the temple of the Jade Buddha. This temple is a destination for Buddhists I'm told. The temple was amazing. I won't bore you with the details, but there must be a few dozen Buddhas in the temple in every configuration and color. Some of the Buddhas dated back to 600AD. That would make them the same age as Larry King and Dick Clark. The craftsmanship of the statues were simply stunning. The Jade Buddha was made from one piece of Jade and was maybe 6ft tall. I will upload pictures when it doesn't cost so much to do so.
Social networking websites including this blog are blocked by the Chinese government. This blog is made possible by satellite internet links from the cruise ship.
We leave in a few hours to start the cruise.
Al
We had an adventurous day yesterday. We rode the subway and you haven't lived until you have ridden the subway in Shanghai at rush hour no doubt. Holy guacamole. There was a gazillion people moving in a wave that would crush Southern boys if they had a chance. Geez I might have Post Traumatic Subway Syndrome or something along those lines. Somebody hug me. I know I will wake up years from now screaming in my sleep. Not from the subway but from BO and the democrats. Now, we both know I blindsided you with that democrat joke. Anyway, we figured out how the subway system worked and rode the thing all over the city. Deb and I have ridden subways in several parts of the world, so this one wasn't too tough to figure out. Yeah right. The locals gawked at me like I was the only 6'2", white, Southern boy they have ever seen. I might as well have been from Jupiter. Beep, beep. We come in peace. Take me to your leaders. Yeah right. Deb got some looks too. We were at the convention center or whatever the name of the place was, good Lord I ain't even going to attempt to spell the name of the place if I could. Whatever, the place was the convention center, now I've lost my train of thought. I remember now, Deb and I were walking around the convention center when a local came up and wanted to photograph himself with Deb, then his buddy did too. It seems blonds are a novelty here and I got a huge laugh out of the whole deal. What you might not know is Deb is a bleach blond and they thought she was a true blond. You might say she is an American blond knockoff. Now that is too funny.
We rode the Maglev train too. Great Ceasar's ghost that thing hauls butt. The Maglev is a train that runs from Shanghai Pudong Airport to downtown. It takes about 10 minutes, costs $7 each way, and goes 300 KPH. For the American readers (the Canadian readers already know), 300KPH is about 185 MPH. Lickity split. Furthermore, it rides and is propelled not by wheels but magnetism. I believe it is the only working public transient maglev train in existence. For you jackasses that like to pick apart details and might find another working maglev train in outer Mongolia or somewhere --bite me. I don't care. This particular train moves as fast as a NASCAR car moves. I kept wondering where the locals were with their Maglev t-shirts drinking beer and screaming something in Mandarin that sounded like "Earnhardt". Wheee.
Today, we went to the temple of the Jade Buddha. This temple is a destination for Buddhists I'm told. The temple was amazing. I won't bore you with the details, but there must be a few dozen Buddhas in the temple in every configuration and color. Some of the Buddhas dated back to 600AD. That would make them the same age as Larry King and Dick Clark. The craftsmanship of the statues were simply stunning. The Jade Buddha was made from one piece of Jade and was maybe 6ft tall. I will upload pictures when it doesn't cost so much to do so.
Social networking websites including this blog are blocked by the Chinese government. This blog is made possible by satellite internet links from the cruise ship.
We leave in a few hours to start the cruise.
Al
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Planes and Chinese Toilet Seats Feb 22, 2011 Raleigh to Shanghai
We made it to Shanghai. It took a little effort and some blind luck but we made it. This big ole, dumb, Southern boy sticks out here like, well, a big ole dumb Southern boy in Shanghai. Shoot, everywhere we go I am the center of attraction, mainly because I am at least a foot taller than anyone else in the crowd. They must think I'm a real life Godzilla and going to squirt fire out of my mouth or something. Let's just say the spitting fire out my mouth almost happened earlier in the day.
When we arrived at the airport, this morning, we had the first of several hours of delays due to the weather in Chicago. After several hours of delay, we finally did board the aircraft for the Raleigh to Chicago leg of the trip. Deb and I were sitting in our seats as this Hip Hop Hat Boy came onboard with this huge bag and was tried to jam it into an overhead compartment a couple seats to our back. Well Hip Hop Hat Boy couldn't get bagzilla to fit in the compartment there, so he used his massive brain power and decided the jamming would be easier in the compartment above my head. Hip Hop Hat Boy then attempted to force the huge bag into that compartment up until he decided to drop it on my head. What you may or may not know is that I have a small, skull fracture from earlier in the week. No, I don't have a small skull just a small fracture which by all means should be a large fracture had it not been for a intuitive gentleman that grabbed the bag in just the nick of time. You should have seen the gentleman's face when he found out he not only saved me from a headache, but likely a brand new trip to the hospital, or should I say trip number two to the hospital. May I say thank you to that gentleman again with all of my head. Hip Hop Hat Boy needs to have his butt stomped. Idiot. Democrat. Oh my, I got the democrat joke in the second paragraph. Did you see that one coming?
We finally got to Chicago with most of my skull intact and boarded the plane to China--the slow plane to China. The Chicago to China flight was 14 hours long--very long. Geez Louise, I am glad I don't have to fly distances like that often. Modern day flying is a treat all to itself. I couldn't move but about 3 inches in each direction and the places where I used to go stand in order to get up out of the seat, are now forbidden. I guess the flight attendants don't like it or some lawyer made it impossible for us by suing some airline. Anyway, I was the sardine in seat 204a and Deb was the blond sardine in seat 204b. I will cover the blond part tomorrow.
So we finally got to Shanghai and to our hotel which was super duper nice. It was surprisingly luxurious. The rooms and public areas of the hotel were lined with marble and fine antiques. The fine antiques part was significant since we stayed on The Bund. The Bund was the western financial district in Shanghai until the second world war when the Japanese occupied it and kicked some butt. The 70's movie Empire of the Sun would be worth your time to watch to fully understand the last sentence. Anyway, the hotel had all kinds of neat electronic things that Deb ran around turning on and irritating the crap out of me. Furthermore, the room had all kinds of free stuff that Deb again ran around opening and trying. As you might already know, I am a licensed plumber-a plumber that doesn't do much plumbing anymore. It was something I did before I discovered college. The reason I mentioned my plumbing license is because I keep up with the new plumbing fixtures and appliances. Toto makes a toilet seat that is popular in Asia but hasn't caught on in the US. This hotel had one installed in the bathroom. This seat has a temperature and computer controlled water jet in the front and rear of the seat for "rear washing". It is kind of a bidet and crack washer in one. After a good crack washing and to further enhance your crack washing pleasure , you simply push another button and a tiny, built in blow dryer will blow dry and style your butt hair. I lied it won't style your hair just dry it. You have to manually comb you own butt hair. I kid you not, it squirted water and bowled dry your butt crack. It was kind of like sitting on a drinking fountain with hot air jets. This thing had a wall mounted controller with temperature settings, knobs, switches, and midgets on call. And to further enhance your toileting pleasure, the toilet seat was heated. Now I can assure you The Star Wars Toilet Seat ain't going to show up at Casa Al any time soon even though Deb said she wanted one. Nope it ain't going to happen. I can just see me asking for that monstrosity at the plumbing supply house. The gentlemen in there would have a field day laughing at me. It ain't going to happen.
I will stop for today. We board the boat tomorrow night and stay one additional day in Shanghai. See Yall tomorrow.
Al
When we arrived at the airport, this morning, we had the first of several hours of delays due to the weather in Chicago. After several hours of delay, we finally did board the aircraft for the Raleigh to Chicago leg of the trip. Deb and I were sitting in our seats as this Hip Hop Hat Boy came onboard with this huge bag and was tried to jam it into an overhead compartment a couple seats to our back. Well Hip Hop Hat Boy couldn't get bagzilla to fit in the compartment there, so he used his massive brain power and decided the jamming would be easier in the compartment above my head. Hip Hop Hat Boy then attempted to force the huge bag into that compartment up until he decided to drop it on my head. What you may or may not know is that I have a small, skull fracture from earlier in the week. No, I don't have a small skull just a small fracture which by all means should be a large fracture had it not been for a intuitive gentleman that grabbed the bag in just the nick of time. You should have seen the gentleman's face when he found out he not only saved me from a headache, but likely a brand new trip to the hospital, or should I say trip number two to the hospital. May I say thank you to that gentleman again with all of my head. Hip Hop Hat Boy needs to have his butt stomped. Idiot. Democrat. Oh my, I got the democrat joke in the second paragraph. Did you see that one coming?
We finally got to Chicago with most of my skull intact and boarded the plane to China--the slow plane to China. The Chicago to China flight was 14 hours long--very long. Geez Louise, I am glad I don't have to fly distances like that often. Modern day flying is a treat all to itself. I couldn't move but about 3 inches in each direction and the places where I used to go stand in order to get up out of the seat, are now forbidden. I guess the flight attendants don't like it or some lawyer made it impossible for us by suing some airline. Anyway, I was the sardine in seat 204a and Deb was the blond sardine in seat 204b. I will cover the blond part tomorrow.
So we finally got to Shanghai and to our hotel which was super duper nice. It was surprisingly luxurious. The rooms and public areas of the hotel were lined with marble and fine antiques. The fine antiques part was significant since we stayed on The Bund. The Bund was the western financial district in Shanghai until the second world war when the Japanese occupied it and kicked some butt. The 70's movie Empire of the Sun would be worth your time to watch to fully understand the last sentence. Anyway, the hotel had all kinds of neat electronic things that Deb ran around turning on and irritating the crap out of me. Furthermore, the room had all kinds of free stuff that Deb again ran around opening and trying. As you might already know, I am a licensed plumber-a plumber that doesn't do much plumbing anymore. It was something I did before I discovered college. The reason I mentioned my plumbing license is because I keep up with the new plumbing fixtures and appliances. Toto makes a toilet seat that is popular in Asia but hasn't caught on in the US. This hotel had one installed in the bathroom. This seat has a temperature and computer controlled water jet in the front and rear of the seat for "rear washing". It is kind of a bidet and crack washer in one. After a good crack washing and to further enhance your crack washing pleasure , you simply push another button and a tiny, built in blow dryer will blow dry and style your butt hair. I lied it won't style your hair just dry it. You have to manually comb you own butt hair. I kid you not, it squirted water and bowled dry your butt crack. It was kind of like sitting on a drinking fountain with hot air jets. This thing had a wall mounted controller with temperature settings, knobs, switches, and midgets on call. And to further enhance your toileting pleasure, the toilet seat was heated. Now I can assure you The Star Wars Toilet Seat ain't going to show up at Casa Al any time soon even though Deb said she wanted one. Nope it ain't going to happen. I can just see me asking for that monstrosity at the plumbing supply house. The gentlemen in there would have a field day laughing at me. It ain't going to happen.
I will stop for today. We board the boat tomorrow night and stay one additional day in Shanghai. See Yall tomorrow.
Al
Sunday, February 20, 2011
China, Russia, and Japan--Oh my Raleigh, NC Feb 21, 2011
Oh alright, I might as well update the blog. Ive been busy working on the this, that, and the other thing, The other thing part has kept me from getting anything done and from updating this blog. Actually, I haven't gone anywhere interesting anyway.
Guess what? We are headed for a cruise leaving from Shanghai then visiting Beijing, Vladivostok (Russia), and a couple places in Japan. We will be on the road for 2 weeks and on the water for most of it. This trip will certainly give me lots of funny stuff to write about. Keep an eye out for updates.
The adventure starts Feb 22, 2011.
I think I just lied to you. The adventure started a week ago. I went to the doctor (vet) to get the necessary immunizations that the fine folks in China wants us to have. One of the immunizations was a live vaccine for typhoid. Oh baby, here is where the adventure starts. I started the vaccine which is an oral tablet that I was supposed (note that I said supposed) to take every other day with 4 tablets taken total. Tablet number 1 gave me the worst case of the green apple trots a stupid, Southern boy can have. I sat in the bathroom adding to the democrats (little d used intentionally) national political agenda all afternoon and evening. Notice how I got my democrat joke in while discussing my bathroom habits. Dang, am I good or what? Anyway, while contributing to the democratic agenda, I didn't drink any liquids and dehydrated. I've heard of celebrities dehydrating but could never understand how that a person could dehydrate without being in the desert. Now I know how, the democrats are to blame. Well, I got up from my desk and went upstairs to bed. As I got to the bottom of the stairs I decided to pass out and fall backwards and landed on my head which might have been a good thing because I might have hurt something important had I not landed on my head. I came to when the paramedics arrived and took my sorry butt to the hospital. A CT scan and about 40 million liters of IV liquids later, I found out I had an alleged hairline crack of my skull and a tiny brain bleed. Did you notice I said liters thinking I would impress you with my knowledge of the metric system. Impressive huh? Anyway, a busted head and a brain bruise ain't nearly as horrible (or romantic if you're a vampire) as you might think but it happened. I spent a couple days being jabbed, prodded, and poked in the hospital then came home. Oh baby, head injuries cause some serious headaches. My head has hurt almost as bad this week as the week after BO got elected. Almost. I've been almost as nauseated too, but I've been nauseated really for the last two years thanks to the democrats. My head has been CT and MRI scanned, and I am happy to report that no poop was found in my head as accused of me by many people during the course of my life. I am not sure why they ever called me such a name but life is a mystery at times. I can honestly say that I have had my head examined and didn't vote for a single democrat. The idiots that elected BO need to have their heads examined too. I'll bet your bottom dollar the MRIs will show poop in their heads.
I usually travel with a dictionary of whatever language is spoken where I am going. I didn't have any luck with a Chinese dictionary. Well La De Da, Asia has different characters too. Duhh. I tried to look up words and not only couldn't say it but couldn't figure out the characters. Duhh, So, I bought an electronic dictionary that actually speaks the words and phrases along with displaying the characters. Now that thing is neat. It arrived in the mail a few days ago, and I took it out of the box and immediately started looking up nasty words. Just kidding, it was really only vulgar words however neither vulgar nor nasty were in the dictionary. I felt a little cheated because how am I supposed to describe democrats to Asians without using vulgar or nasty words? I guess I'll draw vulgar and nasty pictures instead. I'll figure it out and be a good diplomatic.
The blog is back on and stayed tuned to this station for updates. See you in a day or so.
Al
Guess what? We are headed for a cruise leaving from Shanghai then visiting Beijing, Vladivostok (Russia), and a couple places in Japan. We will be on the road for 2 weeks and on the water for most of it. This trip will certainly give me lots of funny stuff to write about. Keep an eye out for updates.
The adventure starts Feb 22, 2011.
I think I just lied to you. The adventure started a week ago. I went to the doctor (vet) to get the necessary immunizations that the fine folks in China wants us to have. One of the immunizations was a live vaccine for typhoid. Oh baby, here is where the adventure starts. I started the vaccine which is an oral tablet that I was supposed (note that I said supposed) to take every other day with 4 tablets taken total. Tablet number 1 gave me the worst case of the green apple trots a stupid, Southern boy can have. I sat in the bathroom adding to the democrats (little d used intentionally) national political agenda all afternoon and evening. Notice how I got my democrat joke in while discussing my bathroom habits. Dang, am I good or what? Anyway, while contributing to the democratic agenda, I didn't drink any liquids and dehydrated. I've heard of celebrities dehydrating but could never understand how that a person could dehydrate without being in the desert. Now I know how, the democrats are to blame. Well, I got up from my desk and went upstairs to bed. As I got to the bottom of the stairs I decided to pass out and fall backwards and landed on my head which might have been a good thing because I might have hurt something important had I not landed on my head. I came to when the paramedics arrived and took my sorry butt to the hospital. A CT scan and about 40 million liters of IV liquids later, I found out I had an alleged hairline crack of my skull and a tiny brain bleed. Did you notice I said liters thinking I would impress you with my knowledge of the metric system. Impressive huh? Anyway, a busted head and a brain bruise ain't nearly as horrible (or romantic if you're a vampire) as you might think but it happened. I spent a couple days being jabbed, prodded, and poked in the hospital then came home. Oh baby, head injuries cause some serious headaches. My head has hurt almost as bad this week as the week after BO got elected. Almost. I've been almost as nauseated too, but I've been nauseated really for the last two years thanks to the democrats. My head has been CT and MRI scanned, and I am happy to report that no poop was found in my head as accused of me by many people during the course of my life. I am not sure why they ever called me such a name but life is a mystery at times. I can honestly say that I have had my head examined and didn't vote for a single democrat. The idiots that elected BO need to have their heads examined too. I'll bet your bottom dollar the MRIs will show poop in their heads.
I usually travel with a dictionary of whatever language is spoken where I am going. I didn't have any luck with a Chinese dictionary. Well La De Da, Asia has different characters too. Duhh. I tried to look up words and not only couldn't say it but couldn't figure out the characters. Duhh, So, I bought an electronic dictionary that actually speaks the words and phrases along with displaying the characters. Now that thing is neat. It arrived in the mail a few days ago, and I took it out of the box and immediately started looking up nasty words. Just kidding, it was really only vulgar words however neither vulgar nor nasty were in the dictionary. I felt a little cheated because how am I supposed to describe democrats to Asians without using vulgar or nasty words? I guess I'll draw vulgar and nasty pictures instead. I'll figure it out and be a good diplomatic.
The blog is back on and stayed tuned to this station for updates. See you in a day or so.
Al
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
State Fair, Carnies, Giant Turkey Legs, and Cow Poo
Alrighty then. It has been a while since I updated the blog. I am truly sorry that I forgot.
Now that I have groveled enough, I was asked to talk about the state fair. Oh goody, I could write a book on that subject. Deb wanted to go to the fair and as always we had to go on the night they let you in "free" if you bring four cans of food which is a great concept except we forgot to bring any cans of food. Now the ticket booths and entry points are always a treat for me. I view the admissions area as a funneling of foaming mouthed sheeple. Sheeple are people (humans I guess) that herd and act like sheep. Sheep will follow each other off the side of a cliff or so I am told. No, The Puppies do not have any sheep as pets, and my knowledge of sheep is limited to Hollywood like the rest of you. Anyway, the sheeple rush through the gates like it is feeding time and the farmers are dumping out the feed. Giant turkey legs and deep fried Oreos await. I guess in a metaphoric sense they are.
I adhere to a long standing tradition of trying to support the local businesses that operate at the fair. The money stays local and the carnies get money to not fix their teeth from someone else. If you listen to the idiot box (television), you think people loose their blooming onion minds when the fair is in town. Why would any sane person eat deep fried Oreos or for heavens sake, a Krispy Kreme hamburger? Clearly the answer is, they are victims of the herd mentality of sheeple (notice that is not capitalized on purpose because they don't deserve capitalization). Idiots.
So, we walked around the fair and we had dinner at Neomonde's stand. The cost was the same at Neomonde's market and none of it was deep fried. Was there a line at Neomonde's booth? Nope, but the line at the giant turkey legs was long. I can just see Peter Gros from Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom sneeking up on the Turkey Leg Idiots and whispering to the camera while pointing at the sheeple. "I have to stay back or the sheeple will trample me during their feeding frenzy. But I really would like to film the giant turkey legs, so I'm going to send in Jim". So, Jim Fowler would walk up to the booth and grab one of the huge turkey legs and swing it like a club to get away. I read on some local news website that the giant turkey legs come from turkeys that are fed a special meal to make them so huge. I wonder if they feed the giant turkeys giant turkey legs to make them that big. I really do have an enquiring mind.
After we had dinner standing up and getting it on my clothes, we decided to walk through the livestock area. Oh goody, I had swarma stains on my shirt now I was going to have sheep poo on my shoes, and I eventually fulfilled that prophecy. Deb wanted to see the sheep, so all I had to do was turn my head until I smelled them and away we went. We walked around the sheep and several of them looked like Monty and Riley when they were young. Next, we headed toward the cattle exhibit. Now why does a sane person walk around a cattle exhibit? Answer, because his wife wants to walk around the cattle exhibit. So,we did. This exhibit was somewhat crowded and we walked through the main aisle until this woman jumped up in my face holding out her arms. I reached back to grab my switchblade when I realized I didn't own a switchblade, so I had to be tolerant of her. This woman said and I kid you not, "Watch out. Cow coming through" just as a cow was being led through the crowd. It kind of reminded me of the guys that wave the flags that precede the forklift at Lowe's. We jumped off to the side not wanting to be trampled in a cow stampede as Bessy The Cow sauntered by on her way back to her pen. This was clearly a case of sheeple leading the cow. I am sure there is a joke in there somewhere which I will reserve for a later date.
We left there and went to the building where the state agencies had their displays. Don't ask me why state agencies need to advertise but they did. We were walking past the highway patrol exhibit when Deb saw this decal of a highway patrol badge. Deb grabbed one and put it on her shirt, and the rest of the night she kept trying to handcuff and taser me. Well, I care as much for being tasered as I do eating giant turkey legs. Deb was determined that I was going to have fun regardless. Some people lets authority go to their head. It ain't going to happen and it didn't.
I forgot to talk about the carnies. It is always fun to walk past the rides and see the person that is operating the rides. It amazes me that people with children will pay money to put Buffy and Jody onto a ride controlled by a person they tell their kids to stay away from. Evidently part of the fun is having a drunk meth head at the helm which heightens one's pleasure of being whirled around at vomit inducing speeds. Buffy and Jody do love the Jim Beam Crack-O-Whirl and the fair only comes around once a year. The only thing Buffy and Jody would like better would be the NASCAR Jim Beam Crack-O-Whirl. I wouldn't let these carnies operate a shovel much less let them put me on The Mechanical Spiral of Death. It ain't going to happen and it didn't.
To finish off our evening of pure glee, we stopped by the booth where the dairy department of NCSU sells ice cream. The ice cream is great but the line was 30 minutes long. Of course, we had to have ice cream. So, we did. I then added an ice cream stain to the swarma stain on my shirt which accompanied the cow, sheep, and turkey poo on my shoes. Boy, did I ever have fun.
Christmas is approaching and our Christmas display will be magnificent this year. Email me for a link to my Christmas display website.
Bye for now,
Al
Now that I have groveled enough, I was asked to talk about the state fair. Oh goody, I could write a book on that subject. Deb wanted to go to the fair and as always we had to go on the night they let you in "free" if you bring four cans of food which is a great concept except we forgot to bring any cans of food. Now the ticket booths and entry points are always a treat for me. I view the admissions area as a funneling of foaming mouthed sheeple. Sheeple are people (humans I guess) that herd and act like sheep. Sheep will follow each other off the side of a cliff or so I am told. No, The Puppies do not have any sheep as pets, and my knowledge of sheep is limited to Hollywood like the rest of you. Anyway, the sheeple rush through the gates like it is feeding time and the farmers are dumping out the feed. Giant turkey legs and deep fried Oreos await. I guess in a metaphoric sense they are.
I adhere to a long standing tradition of trying to support the local businesses that operate at the fair. The money stays local and the carnies get money to not fix their teeth from someone else. If you listen to the idiot box (television), you think people loose their blooming onion minds when the fair is in town. Why would any sane person eat deep fried Oreos or for heavens sake, a Krispy Kreme hamburger? Clearly the answer is, they are victims of the herd mentality of sheeple (notice that is not capitalized on purpose because they don't deserve capitalization). Idiots.
So, we walked around the fair and we had dinner at Neomonde's stand. The cost was the same at Neomonde's market and none of it was deep fried. Was there a line at Neomonde's booth? Nope, but the line at the giant turkey legs was long. I can just see Peter Gros from Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom sneeking up on the Turkey Leg Idiots and whispering to the camera while pointing at the sheeple. "I have to stay back or the sheeple will trample me during their feeding frenzy. But I really would like to film the giant turkey legs, so I'm going to send in Jim". So, Jim Fowler would walk up to the booth and grab one of the huge turkey legs and swing it like a club to get away. I read on some local news website that the giant turkey legs come from turkeys that are fed a special meal to make them so huge. I wonder if they feed the giant turkeys giant turkey legs to make them that big. I really do have an enquiring mind.
After we had dinner standing up and getting it on my clothes, we decided to walk through the livestock area. Oh goody, I had swarma stains on my shirt now I was going to have sheep poo on my shoes, and I eventually fulfilled that prophecy. Deb wanted to see the sheep, so all I had to do was turn my head until I smelled them and away we went. We walked around the sheep and several of them looked like Monty and Riley when they were young. Next, we headed toward the cattle exhibit. Now why does a sane person walk around a cattle exhibit? Answer, because his wife wants to walk around the cattle exhibit. So,we did. This exhibit was somewhat crowded and we walked through the main aisle until this woman jumped up in my face holding out her arms. I reached back to grab my switchblade when I realized I didn't own a switchblade, so I had to be tolerant of her. This woman said and I kid you not, "Watch out. Cow coming through" just as a cow was being led through the crowd. It kind of reminded me of the guys that wave the flags that precede the forklift at Lowe's. We jumped off to the side not wanting to be trampled in a cow stampede as Bessy The Cow sauntered by on her way back to her pen. This was clearly a case of sheeple leading the cow. I am sure there is a joke in there somewhere which I will reserve for a later date.
We left there and went to the building where the state agencies had their displays. Don't ask me why state agencies need to advertise but they did. We were walking past the highway patrol exhibit when Deb saw this decal of a highway patrol badge. Deb grabbed one and put it on her shirt, and the rest of the night she kept trying to handcuff and taser me. Well, I care as much for being tasered as I do eating giant turkey legs. Deb was determined that I was going to have fun regardless. Some people lets authority go to their head. It ain't going to happen and it didn't.
I forgot to talk about the carnies. It is always fun to walk past the rides and see the person that is operating the rides. It amazes me that people with children will pay money to put Buffy and Jody onto a ride controlled by a person they tell their kids to stay away from. Evidently part of the fun is having a drunk meth head at the helm which heightens one's pleasure of being whirled around at vomit inducing speeds. Buffy and Jody do love the Jim Beam Crack-O-Whirl and the fair only comes around once a year. The only thing Buffy and Jody would like better would be the NASCAR Jim Beam Crack-O-Whirl. I wouldn't let these carnies operate a shovel much less let them put me on The Mechanical Spiral of Death. It ain't going to happen and it didn't.
To finish off our evening of pure glee, we stopped by the booth where the dairy department of NCSU sells ice cream. The ice cream is great but the line was 30 minutes long. Of course, we had to have ice cream. So, we did. I then added an ice cream stain to the swarma stain on my shirt which accompanied the cow, sheep, and turkey poo on my shoes. Boy, did I ever have fun.
Christmas is approaching and our Christmas display will be magnificent this year. Email me for a link to my Christmas display website.
Bye for now,
Al
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